It has been almost 3 years since I recommitted my life to Christ. During those years I hung unto the promise that God would send me a husband when the time was right and all I had to do was delight in the work of the Lord and serve him, so that stopped me from masturbating and having sex. Recently … I feel tied to this sin again. How can I break free? Also do you think that I’ve somehow thwarted my blessings? I’ve noticed how much God had blessed me when I was serving Him and I don’t want to lose that connection I had with Him. (edited)
First, before I go into any kind of lecture-mode or theological monologues, I really want to commend you on your total honesty here. Most people would never half-admit this sort of thing even anonymously, so you’re stepping in the right direction.
So please understand, my dear friend, that ANY kind of bargain with God is not a good idea. While I do believe that God blesses obedience to Him, the most important blessing that God gives is Himself.
If you’re trying to obey Him in hopes that He’ll give you a husband, that’s already an upside-down-sideways-backwards negotiation that could end in bitter disappointment. It’s essentially like those parody skits where someone says, “God, I’ll totally serve you if you totally do this for me.”
Telling God “This-or-else” even when it’s not in those words is only going to hurt you. Not because God is doing the hurting, but because you’re setting yourself up with unrealistic expectations that the Word does not promise.
As for sabotaging your blessings, I’d say the only thing you possibly stole from yourself is God’s presence. That’s actually the point of everything. I’m reminded of the rich young ruler in Mark 10 and Luke 18, who essentially was saying, “I want you Lord and I want my stuff, but if I can’t have my stuff then I don’t want you.” While I don’t want to guess your motives, you’ll have to check them out yourself.
I’ve said and heard before that God cares less about what you’re doing and more about who you’re becoming. He does care what you do, but He’s trying to shape you into the type of person who can righteously obtain those things. That is, a person who loves God and loves people by His grace.
A by-product of pressing into Christ is that sin will be left further behind. Trying to stop sin to get God’s blessing has the reverse effect of wanting to sin more when you don’t get the blessing. Affections for God must come first to overcome that spiritual bondage.
So let’s say you did clean yourself up and somehow found a husband. So in your mind, your “bargain” worked. What happens if your husband leaves or cheats or passes away or there are seasons of coldness? Of course those things are hurtful, but if your husband was part of a Faustian bargain, then in harder times there will be unparallelled frustration, anger, heartache, and shaking a fist at God — an overreaction that could destroy your soul.
The end result of bargaining is putting trust in an Idol-Reward instead of THE Reward Himself. God, in only the way He can do it, is working all things for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose. He’s chiseling the Heart of Himself in you right now, if you’d just embrace that. And it’s not an obedience for its own sake, but to move you towards Him.
When you hit that sweet spot, you’ll get a good husband almost by accident. If you’re hunting a husband everywhere you go, that desperation will end in utter implosion. Most ladies who find a good guy were hardly looking at all, because they were so wrapped up in Christ that the dudes found her. Seek Jesus first; all these things will be added unto you. Patience on that, my friend.