J.S. Park

Question: Struggling With Depression and Faith

Anonymous asked:

I’ve struggled with depression for a long time, but this year it got really bad—to the point that I went on medication and have been seeing a counselor for a couple of months. Those two things have been extremely helpful and I have been feeling a lot better. However, it’s been super hard to pick things back up with God. Do you have any advice? I’m trying not to overwhelm myself, but even just going to church has been hard. What are some things I can do that will help?

Hey my friend, depression has been a lifelong struggle for me and it’s absolutely awesome that you sought help for your issue.  Very few Christians are willing to do this because of the strange stigma of “Only God should heal you,” which as you know, is only said by people who don’t get it.

Please allow me the grace to first share a few posts with you:

- Getting Back The Fire For God

- Is Depression and Anxiety A Choice?

- Why Did God Make Emotions?

I know there are no magic words to make everything instantly better, but I’ll share a few things that have helped.  Please know I love you and God loves you and I’ll be praying.

- The Christian life is a journey, not a light-switch.  Please have grace for yourself on that.

- Do NOT pressure yourself into a rockstar faith by setting an impossible standard for yourself.  Jesus had some things to say about people who did this to others, and certainly we shouldn’t do it to ourselves.  Don’t rush it.

- I totally understand that going to worship service can be uncomfortable and sometimes even harmful to recovering people — but also remember there is so much more to church than Sundays, and that Sundays are really the fulcrum starting point for deeper fellowship.  Find a mentor, talk to your pastor, an older mature person, a group of friends, get involved in a team, and keep trying.  Persevere with them.  God tells us that one of the ways to overcome deep valleys of the soul is to rejoice with our fellow brothers and sisters.

- As simple as this sounds, simply get to know God.  Be encouraged by His heart for you. Sometimes the simple act of intimate time with God (for even a car ride or a few moments in the morning) totally recalibrates my orbit back into His mission, and I’m empowered to know that the God of the universe loves me and has my back all the way.

- I have a habit of defining myself by my struggle instead of defining myself as part of God’s story.  I’m not saying this is what you’re doing, but your struggle does have a direction and an end goal.  Many of us just forget.  There’s a time and place to rant, but also a time to regain perspective on what’s next.

- Go have fun.  Seriously.  When I get depressed, I don’t always need theology and discipleship and long lectures and inspirational speeches.  Those are nice, but usually I just want a good burger and ice cream and a walk on the beach and a Netflix marathon and loud laughter about dumb things and cooking a Pinterest recipe for the first time.  Don’t ever think this is shallow: this is life too.

- Find a need and serve the need.  You are specifically wired by God to do something awesome as His force for good in the universe.  You are created to speak something into the world that no one else can.  I don’t mean you do anything to earn God, but that God is excited to work through you and is already orchestrating His purposes in you.  I don’t mean that being “busy” is some cure for our condition, but that the victory over our struggles must also have a direction towards something better.  Find a need, serve the need.

— J.S.

7 Ways To Stop The Christian Gossip Mob

We’ve all been in a crowd where someone starts doing the sassy finger and going into hater mode.  “Did you hear about our dear so-and-so in Christ?  Because not to be a gossiping jerk, but I’m about to be a gossiping jerk.”

It’s not too hard to stop your own mouth (simple: don’t start), but when someone else among friends starts going off on gossip, it gets awkwardly difficult to control.  It’s not enough to just change subjects or step away.

So then, some ways to shut this down.

1) Generously explain for the other person.

Gossip is all about dehumanizing the other person to paint a false cartoon.  The gossiper is attempting to build on a possible nugget of truth buried under exaggerations and embellishments, so if you can flesh out both sides, then the gossip loses much of its power.

Explain that we just don’t know this other person’s history.  We don’t know how they were screwed up by their parents, if they’re depressed or suicidal, if they’re desperate in finances, if they’re taking care of a sick family member, if they’re in counseling or on medicine, or some other motive we just can’t know.  This is more than just sympathy — this is reminding us that we’re all human, we’re all broken, and we ALL make mistakes.

2) Relate to the other person.

It’s as simple as saying, “You know, I’ve done the same thing.  We’ve probably all done something like that.  I mean unless you’re perfect.”

If you want to dig, add: “I don’t think anyone can possibly be outside of God’s sovereign grace.  I mean if you’re not, then no one is.”

3) De-fang silly tactics.

It’s easy to imitate another person’s voice with a ridiculous high-pitched falsetto.  Just reply, “You and I both know they don’t sound like that.” 

Expert-gossipers also have a roundabout way of sounding courteous, as if they’re doing a favor by yapping somebody’s business.  There’s this slick way of compensating for trash-talk by suddenly throwing in some nice platitude, like saying “We need to pray for them.”  Call that out, too.  “It still sounds like you’re being a jerk.”

4) Rumors are just rumors.

Most of the time, gossip is mere speculation.  It’s a tabloid.  The easiest thing here is to expose the lie by asking questions.  “How do you know that?  You only heard about it?  From someone else who heard from where?  So you’re making it up?”

5) If you know the other person, celebrate all the good they are.

This will be sort of a verbal firefight.  Without taking anyone’s side, simply go positive.  Maybe this other person has actually done a lot of good for you and your friends, for their family, for the church.  Maybe they’re funny, gentle, good with kids, and doing much better than two years ago.  This person is MORE than the unfair rumors.

6) Pray for the other person.

The sneakiest thing you can do, especially if the gossiper says, “We should pray for them,” is to actually pray for them.  On the spot.  Or in the very next meeting.  Go in a circle, and ask the gossiper to finish it off.  It’ll be the most awkward prayer you’ve ever heard, and trust me: you will love every second of it. 

7) Just call it out.

Just do what everyone else is hoping you’ll do: be the courageous person who is willing to do the uncomfortable.  Do what Jesus would do if he was standing there: the gentle backhand of rebuke.

“You’re gossiping right now, and it’s making us all feel weird, and they’re my friend too, and we know you’re better than how you’re talking, so please stop. I love you bro, but that’s enough.”

It doesn’t matter if someone thinks you’re being a party-pooping prude.  In the long run, people will trust you more: because you’re the one who defends others behind their back and you don’t let anyone get away with loose lips.  No matter how uptight you look, you’ll be earning respect where it counts. 

— J.S.

Question: The Church Is Messed Up But I Still Love Her — A Mega-Post On The Church

Four anonymous questions (edited for length) —

- Why do people try to make being a Christian harder than it already is? … That is daunting in itself if you’re prone to doubt and self-loathing … On top of THAT we’re expected to be smiling faces, loud singers, waving our bibles and screaming the Word from the mountain tops…

- Hello … I do not attend church due to unhealthy amount of judgement and alienation .. I am constantly made to feel I’m an abomination because I do not want to be a housewife or a mother. I am a writer, an illustrator, introverted. I’ve also fallen into depression and this feeling of alienation, even damnation, has gotten worse.

- I’ve left church for about a year now because of a friendship … which developed many complications … I felt that somehow God would want me to go back to church but pride (or whatever it is) is stopping me… Something feels amiss but I can’t figure out why. I do miss fellowship. Any thoughts on this?

I’m really sorry each of you have been made to feel this way.

As St. Augustine supposedly said, “The church is a whore, but she is my mother.”  He probably didn’t say that, but I agree.

Please know: I feel exactly what you’re feeling on both sides of the pulpit. I’ve been in backroom meetings with church leaders and I know all the horrible language they use to talk about the congregation.  I’ve visited at least forty or fifty churches in my lifetime, which is probably not a lot, but enough to know how little they preach on grace or Jesus. I have enough dirt on at least three ministries to ensure they never receive support again (let’s just say I know how to press “record” when the drama starts).  I’ve been in places where you are ridiculed for not following “their rules” and it’s just an inch away from being a cult.

There are preachers who preach grace like crazy, but act like complete a-holes behind the scenes.  My mom (not a Christian) visited a church where the pastor offered to sleep with her.  I’m not kidding.  I’ve been recently hurt by church so badly that, as of this writing, I’m currently not involved in any church staff (I was a youth pastor for three years and on staff for five, and admittedly, I never thought I was a very good pastor). However bad you think it is, it’s even worse.

Yet …

Yet I still love her. I still love the church.  I am not mad about these things anymore — I am just grieved and heartbroken.

As difficult as she can be, the church is still God’s idea.  Jesus said “I will build my church” (Matthew 16:18).  I often get questions like, “Do I have to attend church since ___?  Why do so many Christians suck?  Can I just pray and read Scripture by myself?”

My answer is always the same.  God created us to be in community together (Hebrews 10:19-25).  There’s no avoiding it.  It will not be easy, but without it, we will never be the fully formed individual we were called to be, nor can we become the collective countercultural force for good in the universe.

There are certainly guidelines to consider before committing to a home-church or leaving one — but please, find a church and build your roots.  As crazy as she is, we’re called to be part of God’s body for His glory.

While I can’t hope to answer all your specific concerns, here are a few things to consider.  Please feel free to skip around.

1) Those hypocrites and critical Pharisees might just be baby-Christians on their first lap of faith.

No church is ever fully represented by mature Christians, and certainly no church can fully reflect God.  Some churchgoers are growing, some backsliding, and there are few who actually get it — and they’re not perfect either.  Even the pastor or church staff could be grossly immature in their spiritual walk.  But we shouldn’t be too hard on THE church because of a few bad fruits.  And seeing a five minute fraction of a person’s spiritual walk says nothing about what God is doing through them.

2) Given time + relationships, you will end up hating your church, which is when you can most learn to love.

When you find a church you embrace (more on that in points #3 and 4), the first few months will be the honeymoon period.  When that’s over, you’ll find faults and flaws all over the place.  It’s inevitable, and like a devoted wife or husband, this is when we must persevere.

I’m not talking about if the church uses you, abuses you, or goes sideways theologically.  You can walk out on those.  I’m talking about negotiating all our personal preferences.  Those are bound to be bruised, and though it’s not wrong to have them, they’re not reliable.

The best I can say is: Prepare for the season when you begin criticizing your church.  Get ready to start being judgmental about the praise team, the sermons, the mission, the people.  Sure, it’s good to be discerning, but Satan is constantly trying to divide us: so be on guard when you have an overly critical eye.  That’s when you will learn to love — not when things are fine, but when things go sour.  Love bears all things, and if you’re committed to your church, you’ve made a vow as solid as marriage.

3) Finding a church is like finding a spouse: one bad experience doesn’t mean they’re all bad, but there is one for you.

Not every church is for every individual, but there will be a church for you.  Which means: don’t be too offended if a church doesn’t seem to accept you.  It doesn’t make them all bad; it just means you haven’t found the one yet.  Around the corner, there’s a church who will absolutely love you just as you love them, flaws and all.

A really good handle on this is to see how they serve.  Some churches only exist to perpetuate their programs.  You’ll find others that really go out of their way to serve others, however imperfectly.

4) A church culture is bound to feel threatened if you’re culturally different — and you’ll feel threatened by their feeling threatened.

Please hang with me on this point.

Every single person is bound up in their cultural ethos — upbringing, background, tradition, beliefs — and the second you walk into a church, you are bringing your culture into theirs.  So collision is bound to happen.  Whether you are an “activist,” “creative mind,” “liberal,” “introvert,” or “hipster,” you will clash with some and be welcomed by others.  We all have a spiritual sensitivity that does not immediately embrace different walks of people (Romans 14).

The thing is, I used to believe that we could transcend this sort of stuff.  I thought every church should be for everyone.  But I don’t believe that anymore.  I believe certain churches exists for certain contexts within certain cultures in their era. Some churches will be diverse; others more homogenous; and God is using them both.

God celebrates unity AND diversity, and that can’t be made more clear than in His own Trinitarian nature.

This is why I’m no longer impressed when someone bashes the megachurch, because a small church can be just as greedy, moralistic, and hypocritical.  One of my dear friends is being trained as the next keyboardist for the praise team at Passion City Church (alongside Chris Tomlin), and I have to say: my friend is one of the sweetest, most wonderful Christians you’ll ever meet, and the megachurch has done fine by her.  No one can convince me otherwise.

Sure, many churches will appear cold, but usually it’s just their culture colliding with yours.  Unless they’re called Westboro or Nazi Crossing, all the clique-ness is part of our human nature to identify with a similar culture, and this does NOT always mean that a church lacks grace. 

It means that God has the imagination to interlock different shades of paint for unique paintings, and it takes time for certain hues (like yourself) to find each other.  Some churches do this better than others, but let’s not rag on that process or wait for perfection.  Paul touches on this in 1 Corinthians 12 and Ephesians 4.

I’m all for being racially and spiritually diverse under one roof.  It has nothing to do with “ethnocentrism.”  I still believe that even after Jesus comes back to reign, we will be ethnically diverse.  But I believe we can find a church where your identity as a whole is not merely tolerated, but celebrated. 

5) The church is full of crazy, which is exactly why we need the church.

Please remember: as much as the church is a lot to put up with, so are you.  So am I.  So are we all. 

My first pastor endured me for years.  I was a rebellious, horny, arrogant atheist, but he loved me anyway.  And as disappointed as I have become with the modern church, I myself am SO much more disappointing to others — because we are imperfect people clinging to the mercy of a Perfect God.

One of the main reasons for church is that God puts a whole bunch of idolatrous people together to learn patience, grace, empathy, and love — and without that sort of rock-tumbler environment, we would never have a mirror to understand who we are.  We would never become polished jewels in Christ.  God aims for us to crash and collide until we can see each other as He sees us: broken, thirsting, and beloved.  That’s when God is glorified, through a people who love each other anyway.

At times it will feel like you’re being crushed instead of polished.  It will indeed feel like other “Christians” are making this too hard.  But what God really wants is that you begin with you.  If you really want a revival in your corner of the world, it won’t begin by pointing fingers or the blame-game or setting up “us” versus “them.”  It begins with you and Him.

— J.S.

Question: Loving Homosexuals And The “Other”

Anonymous asked:

How do you not support something a person believes in, but still love that person unconditionally? (Sorry, I’m trying to phrase that question the best way I can) For example, the controversial issue of homosexuality and same sex marriage. As Christians, we don’t support same sex marriage, but when we don’t, people start to assume/generalize that we hate gays, when in truth, most of us don’t. How do I explain that I still love people, even when I disagree with some of their beliefs?

Thank you for your question and for your care in writing it. I can tell you want to be loving while also being truthful, and often that feels like mixing oil and water or trying to divide by zero. You know what I mean.

My thoughts on homosexuality are a little complex and perhaps different than the majority of Christians, and you can read some of that here. But I’ll offer some questions to ask yourself so we can be gracious and true.

1) What else do you have to offer?

This is the number one problem in telling people to “stop it.” What else are we really offering in place of homosexuality and any other lifestyle we deem as sin? If we only stand on the anti-ground of what we’re against, we are never promoting the attractive alternative of what we’re for. This is where the church falls short, horribly.

When Apostle Paul wrote about marriage and sexuality, he assumed that those who were impassioned with Christ would have the best marriages in the whole dang world. Paul revolutionized the fair treatment of women and children in his day — they were property and commodity back then — and part of showing off Christ was showing off the way we do marriage.

I don’t mean to be another guy beating up the modern church, but we have to admit: we have fallen woefully short of showing off God’s vision for traditional marriage. It’s embarrassing. No wonder why people are settling for something else. And here we are pointing fingers when we barely look at ourselves first. That sort of revokes the right to say anything about marriage until we have something worthwhile to say.

I know it’s God’s command regardless, I know. But the main thing here is: let’s worry about us first and back up what we say. Let’s have some legit credibility and be able to show off an awesome vision of marriage and the rest of God’s commands. Not perfectly, but in all its fullness. If you’re not married, then show God’s goodness through your singleness and dating life. Without that, then sleeping-around and friends-with-benefits and anything else will seem better. I want to be able to say with a straight face, See, God’s idea of marriage is the most fulfilling, most wonderful, crazy difficult but rewarding relationship that God can give us.

2) Does an issue define the whole person?

A doctor is not only a doctor, nor a teacher some lady who grades homework in a cave, nor a homosexual only a dude who loves dudes. I know you’re not saying that, but I think we approach certain “sinners” with a tactless caution like they’re radioactive as if this is the ONLY thing about them.

That’s why both the liberal news anchor and the conservative fiery preacher have a wrong laser-focus on this issue: because when they talk about homosexuality, they suddenly presume that sexual identity is a person’s whole identity. Then the discussion goes off the rails and we talk in concepts instead of looking at the actual person.

Did you know that someone with homosexual feelings probably also struggles with bills, health problems, family drama, anger, greed, self-doubt, insecurity, addictions, and anxiety, like everyone else? And they need Jesus first before they can change any of that? Maybe we could treat someone holistically with all issues at the forefront, and maybe we could NOT identify people by a cultural category.

Categorizing people, whether consciously or not, sets up a false dichotomous premise of “us” and “them,” so we try to rescue the “other.” This puts us in a savior-mentality like it’s up to us to change people, and we also neglect our own issues. This happens in the church everyday. Let’s step back and gut-check our motives. It is downright idolatrous to “rescue” a soul and not love them.

3) Are we loving people as human beings or shaping them as projects?

Please let me be clear here: I believe what the Bible says about marriage. In fact, I believe in the biblical view of everything, and that means I disagree with a lot of people by default. But when I talk to people face-to-face, they are not my project to persuade into my own point of view. It is not my goal to theologize them until they fall in line. And therein is where we find grace working with truth: when I do not compromise to culture but love them anyway. This requires a maddening patience that doesn’t coerce nor condone, but shares life no matter what.

We are bad at this, and I’m rebuking myself too. We end up looking like telemarketers for the Gospel instead of the embodiment of Jesus. We say too much and hug too little. We have become theological bullies instead of givers of first aid.

The best thing I can tell you is to earn the right to be heard, however that looks, and then not only speak the truth in love, but show it working. No one ever guilted me into change, ever. It was only by fellow Christians who came alongside me, loved me, and gently showed me a different way.

At times I did need the straight truth, but by then they had already earned my love and respect first. Opinions that I held so dear and sacred to me changed over a lifetime; my transformed worldview was a consequential side-effect and not the primary focus. That’s how this works, and anything else is religion. Look someone in the eye, and love them. It sounds so ordinary and simple: but almost no one does it. You can.

— J.S.

Question: Ten Thoughts About Calvinism

leavealegacy asked:

Hey there sir, do you agree with Calvinism?

My short answer: Yes!

I’ve been known to pick on Calvinists a lot, but the truth is: I love my Calvinist brothers and sisters, and the best way to describe my own theology is Calvinism. I just no longer associate with them.

I was deeply entrenched in the Calvinist circles for quite a while, but I stopped identifying myself as a Reformed Calvinist many months ago.  At the time, I wrote some angry things about them, but really I was grieving at their overwhelmingly superior snobby attitude. 

It wasn’t just a few of them — it was the majority of the whole camp.  Nearly every pastor I have met says the same thing: “Calvinists?  Those guys are effing a-holes.”  I would laugh, but it actually breaks my heart.

Here are just a few quick thoughts about it, and I’ll leave it at that.  I’m aware I’ll be making some blanket statements here, but I’m also aware this does not include everyone nor am I demonizing anyone.  If anything, I am preaching to myself.

1) John Calvin’s theology has been distorted beyond recognition, so what passes for Calvinism today would probably not pass with Pastor John.

2) Today’s Reformed Neo-Calvinism overemphasizes predestination way too much.  You’d think this wouldn’t be a problem, but it tends to be the psychological basis for a lot of the religious Pharisee-ism.  Lest we forget: God invented free will, too.

3) The need for Doctrinal Perfection in Calvinist circles has caused what I’ve called “Gospel Idolatry,” in which the tenets of a specific doctrine overtake intimacy with Jesus and his mission.  This is why you have twenty year old blogger kings dissecting each other’s words while they fail to lift a finger to help the poor.  You can be doctrinally right without being right.

4) The Five Points of Calvinism are pretty biblical, but you don’t need to know them to be saved.  We’re done arguing about this. 

5) The Calvinist subculture will always be a ghetto within Christianity.  No one else cares about Calvinism except — surprise! — Calvinists.

6) Dude: it’s a pretty serious thing to accuse someone of heresy, but this happens like every other hour in the Reformed camp.  You might as well accuse a five year old of heresy because he doesn’t believe in a pretribulational rapture. 

7) I believe most Calvinists are actually just scared.  They want to look doctrinally sound in front of their other Calvinist buddies, so they have to act tough online or someone will yell heresy.  Really they’re just trying to impress everyone by flexing their theological muscles and it’s a constant paranoid show of false machismo.  To meet a relaxed Reformed guy is just as likely as a three-horned unicorn.

8) I’ve met very awesome Reformed Calvinists, and you know what — I can hardly tell they were “Calvinists.”  They just loved Jesus and loved people.  Too many Calvinists make it known that they’re this prophetic doctrinally sound super-blogger, while truly Reformed brothers and sisters don’t make a big deal out of it.  They’re actually in the mess of people.

9) Arminians are saved too.  So are Pentecostals, Lutherans, and Roman Catholics.  The common thread is Jesus.

10) Jesus was not a Calvinist.  John Calvin was a Jesus-ist.

— J.S.

What is a Christian supposed to look like?

I know a few Christian dudes — several of them pastors — who regularly smoke cigars and drink beer and wine.  Does this bother you?  Because they’re some of the best Christians I know.

Some are into metalcore, wear huge lip rings and gauged earrings, have tattoos like a second skin, and spike their hair into stilettos.  Some curse like crazy, don’t pray before their meals, love MMA, read Cracked.com, and watch Key and Peele. 

Some read horoscopes, watch The Daily Show, watch rated R movies, despise Chris Tomlin, can’t stand Christian books, and could care less about your politics.  Some, at times, even doubt the existence of God.

Does this mean they’re not Christian?

Is a Christian supposed to be nicer? Gentler?  Well mannered?  More polite?  Happier?  Holier?  Rich and successful?  Full of doctrine?  Republican?  American?  Calvinist?  Going to seminary?  On the praise team?  A regular tither?  Anti-something?  Pro-whatever?

All of those are totally fine of course — but they do NOT define a believer’s faith.

The Christian loves Jesus and loves people.  It is not less than this, but probably not that much more.

If we’re boxing Christians into our preconceived categories, we are limiting the limitless imagination of God.  God can do His incredible work through people completely unlike me — so the best thing is just to get out of the way. 

Not every Christian has to think like you or me. 

We are like-minded in our love of Jesus: but we don’t have to think alike anywhere else.  Jesus smashed all those human categories in both his life and his death.

What you see as a lukewarm Christian might just be someone who is on the first go-around.  What you see as a hypocrite could be like Peter, who clung onto old Jewish rituals and was still repenting of his old life.  Some people are on the first lap of learning biblical truth and we don’t need to rush them to a “finish line of faith.” 

Since God is so ridiculously patient with us, then we don’t get to play a judgmental version of God with others.  None of us get it right every time or most of the time or even half — and almost never the first time.

If you keep yelling “stumbling block” everywhere because you expect church-people to act “more Christian,” maybe no one else is playing by your made-up rules.  Perhaps you’ve created a false over-sensitive moral standard that is defined by churchianity but is hardly biblical.  That’s called legalism.  When someone doesn’t fit your stereotypical view of a Christian, you’ve already shortened the arm of God.

Everyone is accountable, but everyone is also being chiseled in their personal relationship with Christ — and you are not the judge of that.  You don’t get to judge someone’s life over a tiny slice of their lifetime.

A Christian is not defined by his progress, but by his Savior.  She is not defined by the amount of her faith, but by the object of that faith.

Jesus is simple enough for the five year old and true enough for the eighty-five year old.  He excluded no one on the cross.  He is for everyone.  He is even for people like you and me.

A Christian looks like Jesus, who had enough room in his heart for the full spectrum of humanity.  I pray for a bigger heart like his.

You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

— Galatians 3:26-28