Though I would hesitate to condone this, I totally understand the cultural nuances that come with drinking.  Being an Asian, everyone drinks and thinks nothing of it. In fact, there are times when it would be offensive to refuse, and that’s actually causing a brother to stumble.

I’m not completely against drinking — though I practice abstinence myself due to a previous drinking problem — and I suppose if your parents are there (despite you being underage) and you’re in a certain cultural setting, it could be just fine.

But I would ask some questions about it.  Because even though your parents are there and offering you, you can still refuse.  And parents are not perfect supervisors, who can mess up just as much as you and me.

So instead of me going on here, let’s ask:

- Is this increasing my love for God AND drawing me closer to my parents? Or is this drawing me closer to my parents AT the expense of increasing my love for God?

- Are my parents being forceful, pushy, teasing, or suggestive?  Are they making me feel left out if I don’t participate?  Can I safely refuse?

- Are my parents including me in their own possible drinking problem?

- Am I getting overly excited or eager for my parents to bust out the alcohol?  Am I growing a taste for it that could lead me down a dangerous road?  Do I still crave it at unhealthy levels when my parents are not around?

- Are my parents being careful to supervise? Are they just letting me drink while being distracted among other things, or are they paying deliberate attention to how I’m drinking?

- Is there a conflict of conscience that my parents are technically breaking the law by letting a minor drink, even in a controlled setting?

- Are my parents explaining alcohol to me?  If not, am I being careful to research and understand alcohol?

I’m sure you’re being aware of most of these things, but please never think you’re totally above the grip of alcohol.  I personally know its devastating effects (from my parents and myself), and while there’s always the reasoning of I know how to control myself and I don’t drink to get drunk, no one is immune to losing control. 

Thanks for your thoughtful question, and please think very hard to the bottom of it. 

There are so many “sources” on relationships and romance out there that we sometimes forget: the Bible doesn’t actually have much to say on the matter.  Which doesn’t mean God thinks it’s unimportant, but also means we probably make it too important.

Allow me to point you to one of the best sermon series I’ve ever heard on relationships.  It’s by my second favorite pastor, Francis Chan (my first favorite being my first pastor), along with his wife Lisa.

Christ Centered Relationships, Part 1

Christ Centered Relationships, Part 2

Christ Centered Relationships, Part 3

And their most recent sermon about relationships from 9-25-11, Two People With One Mission.

The reason I endorse these is because of their biblical priority. Pastor Francis gives an awesome illustration about an air supply.  If your spouse/bf/gf is your air supply, you’ll both be fighting for air until you’re dead.  But if God is your air supply, you’ll both have an infinite resource that will uphold your relationship.  That person cannot be everything you need them to be; only God can.

But God is not simply an air supply.  He’s also the foundation, the King, and the point.  If He’s not first, nothing else makes sense — we only learn to handle people and things on earth when we first rightly view God as Number One. Idolatry is when we switch out that order. That’s when our soul deteriorates by trying to fit the limited into our limitless souls.

I struggle with this everyday.  It’s easy to glorify the temporary at the expense of the eternal.  We can go days or weeks or months without thinking of Christ at all.

I would say simply: As you pursue Christ, also pursue someone who is pursuing Christ.  If both of you help each other swim (instead of drown), that’s a good thing.  Two people should be helping one another to the shore of the Lord.  That doesn’t mean your bf/gf is just doing a bunch of religious activity — but that they actually care about your sanctification and have a personal investment into your walk with God.  Believe it or not, these type of people still exist.  They’re called men and women. Anyone else is just little boys and girls.

I’m assuming you’re talking about some kind of temptation since it’s against the presumed Will of God.  You’ll have to clear up if it really is against God’s Will, or if maybe there’s a hyper-religiosity happening.

With temptation, I feel for you there.  That’s just one of those things that gets right in our face until we can’t see much else.  But you have a choice now to run to the balcony and see it for what it really is.

Like I’ve said before: I wish I could bottle up all the regret you’re going to feel after you keep pursuing this thing, then hand it over to you as Liquid Regret After-Juice, so you can drink that and go, “Oh yeah, duh. That would be stupid.” 

For some of us it takes a whole lot of regret juice to realize what’s happening.  But: there is NO “real life lesson” worth the inflicted pain of choosing sin.  You don’t need to murder a dude to know it’s wrong.

Do you know what’s easier said then done? Pretty much everything.  It won’t be easy.  God, however, promises a way out.  Every - Single - Time.  It’s not a matter of can or cannot, but will.  And even your will, fellow Christian, is not your own.  Jesus said, “Not my will, but your will be done.” He was talking to Big Daddy.

Two things:

1) Externally Guard —Your surroundings, your buddies, your habits, your words, your time.  No one just suddenly “falls.”

2) Internally Submit — Of course the ultimate issue is always internal. Since you said it’s not tangible and not lust, then your brain-heart-soul is where the splinter really is.

God plans to upturn all that.

He doesn’t just change what you do, but what you want to do.  He’ll rip out your old heart with its dumb desires and give you a new one with brand new desires. 

With some of the new stuff you’ll be like, “Oh yeah I knew this,” because it calls back to your True Design.  But with some of the new desires, it’ll be a 180 and therefore extremely painful. 

Closing the gap between your conscience and your desires is where most people give up, because it hurts too much.  Except if every time I went to the gym and I stopped when it hurt — well I wouldn’t be benching 275.  Nor would I be in shape since I eat so much. 

You know what I’m saying here: that on the other side of this hurt, it’s so much better. Some people tell me, “I don’t want to exercise, I feel fine, what’s the point.” But they could feel way better than they already do, or hit a breakthrough of joy in exercise that they never knew before.  

That takes a whole submission to the Chisel of God.  Your brain-heart-soul, everything.  Please don’t make the mistake thinking it’s all at once — that would be like throwing yourself into a wood chipper — but repentance is rather a day by day process of a thousand small steps towards God.

Yes, repent of big things immediately.  But those root desires: it will take a daily path of submitting to the Holy Spirit’s work in your heart.  Remember: the power to do what God requires comes from God Himself.  God will get you to joy because He Himself is that joy.

I’ve had this conversation plenty of times and it appears to be endless.  I’ll break it down as easy as I can.

1) Secular psychology is useful for diagnostics and research.

While I absolutely believe Scripture is the highest court of authority as God’s sufficient powerful revelation, both for salvation and wisdom, there are “lower courts” of authority worth a listen.

Psychology says some whacky things about the human condition, particularly the causes and solutions.  But two things in psychology are helpful: diagnoses and research. 

While certain diagnostic labels like “bipolar” or “manic depressive” are shotgun phrases that cover a lot of things (most psychologists still can’t agree on definitions), it’s a good starting place to know how you’re diving in.  Psychologists speak a specific language that others can pick up on, sort of a shorthand for an array of issues.  So at least upfront, the vocabulary helps.

There are also TONS of insightful experiments of the human mind that are worth reading.  Human reactions are fascinating.  I’m doubtful about stuff like Myers Brigg or even IQ tests, which tend towards pop-psych, but it’s good to know experiments like Stanley Milgram, the Good Samaritan, the Eagles and Rattlers, and even the monkey prostitute.

2) Secular psychology says some dumb things, but it has a few truths that overlap with Scripture.

While a lot of therapy methods are more or less crap — humanism, shaping, conditioning,cognitive behavioral therapy, Maslow’s hierarchy, Piaget’s stages, Freudian psych (which modern psych pretty much ignores) — some of them have pieces of truth here or there.  You almost have to reverse engineer some of these psych systems to fit them into Scripture.  That creates problems on its own.

What psych calls disorders, we know as sin. What psych calls therapy, we call wisdom, accountability, counsel, or mentoring.  What psych calls progress, we call sanctification. What psych calls self-actualization, we call discipleship.

You’ve probably noticed it already: secular psych covers a very shallow, surface-level understanding of the human mind.  It assumes we are a chemical composition wired with animal motives that can eventually understand itself for a “fully realized” goal, which in itself is a concoction of neurons firing randomly.  The Bible says we’re specifically designed, loved by the Designer, and that “fully realizing” ourselves is following Jesus to love God and love people at a cost, which goes against self-preservation.

The deeper you go, the more you see a disparity between psychology and Scripture.  Psych does not answer Ultimates.

3) Psychology becomes untenable since it’s always changing; therefore deeper counseling must have a Gospel Core.

When I graduated with my Psych Major, the APA had the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders version 4).  Apparently the Version 5 is coming out or already out, and a whole lot of definitions have changed over time.  The DSM-IV is becoming less reliable, and itself was reviewed by peers who disagreed and/or were influenced by pharmaceutical companies.

While you can label things with psychology and find interesting research experiments to back your claims, when it comes to counseling you’ll need the Gospel.  Psych falls apart when it comes to day-to-day living, because in the end it only offers drugs and coping mechanisms. 

I’ve seen crazy-depressed people (not scientific terminology there) who were hooked on antidepressants come to shrug it off when they came to Jesus.  This does NOT mean you will become instantly stable when you get off the meds. 

One woman explained that she tried to go cold turkey on meds and had a breakdown, and her church counselor had specifically told her not to stop the meds.  But over time she was able to wean herself off, and is now med-free.  Please also note: I did not say depression-free, but she does have victory daily by the Good News.

It’s a bit sad to think psych can only offer how to cope instead of True Purpose, which we know is to follow Christ.  Yet I’ll confess that psychology has helped me think with more clarity, make better connections about peoples’ behavior and motives, and open the gate to someone’s real issue.  It’s a fascinating, flawed area of study that shouldn’t be ignored while also not being elevated.

I can only assume several things here:

1) You’re reading the Bible for fun.  Which is like playing with gasoline in a furnace, or using a baseball bat to pick your nose.

2) You’ve made church an option, while the Bible clearly does not.

Whether you claim to be a Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Wiccan, or whatever else, the Bible is not like a piece of art from Picasso or Rembrandt.  It’s great that you enjoy reading it, and the fact that you’re digging into Scripture and reading the whole thing says more for you than other “Christians.” But as long as you keep it at arm’s length like something to be studied, you’re forfeiting the very power of Jesus Christ — you know, the Savior who gave death the middle finger and gives us the high five of eternal life.

Of course, I can’t force any of that on you. But if you truly are enjoying the Bible, that’s the Holy Spirit (the Spirit of God) beckoning you to His Truth.  Please don’t ignore that.  Consider that the Bible may actually be ALL true.  I know, sounds like a fundamentalist.  But if it’s true, that should literally scare the hell out of you.

About church: What’s the motive for not attending? Is it because you don’t like how the church is today? Because of hypocrites and swindlers and unpleasant preachers? Scams and scandals? I understand all that.  There’s no perfect church.  In fact I’ll guarantee that any church you attend, you will face a mass (get it?) of problems and petty bickering and dark seasons and pointless drama.

Which is exactly why you should go.  You will be shoulder-to-shoulder and face-to-face with real people.  You cannot know where you’re at spiritually unless you’re in the daily gritty grind with actual breathing human beings.  The church is like a rock-polishing tumbler full of jagged stones: the only real way to be gems is through roughing it out with fellow Christians.  Let me put Proverbs 27:17 all over that.

You might think you’re awesome. Attend church. You might be discouraged.  Attend church.  You might have a ridiculously high or terribly low estimation of yourself.  Attend church.  But more than that, the body of Christ is a house full of believers on a mission.  You by yourself with your nose in the Bible is like a soldier cleaning his gun everyday.  There’s a war: people going to hell, poverty, starvation, slavery, ex-convicts, abused women, your community. 

When you read Ephesians, the entire letter is about unity.  You’ll see quickly that the church is God’s Idea in the world to flex His Strength in a bunch of weak, incompetent, idolatrous people.  It’s God’s chosen way to be a supernatural force in the universe.  

I’m not here to persuade you.  Keep reading your Bible: the Holy Spirit will convict you. 

So there are four views on divorce and remarriage:

1) No divorce and no remarriage, no exceptions.

2) Divorce allowed only from adultery, no remarriage.

3) Divorce allowed only from adultery, possible to remarry.

4) Divorce allowed for a variety of reasons, possible to remarry.

Jesus speaks on divorce in Matthew 5 here: ³¹ “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’  ³² But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Jesus is saying two things: 1) Divorce may be acceptable for adultery, and 2) Divorcing without this reason means that remarriage is not a possibility, because under God’s witness you’re still married.

Jesus also replies to some Pharisees about divorce in Matthew 19 —

⁷ “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

 ⁸ Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. ⁹ I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

So in a more thorough teaching, Jesus says divorce is never a good option, and it only happened because these people were defying God’s original design for marriage.

Keep in mind that we can’t simply zero in on these verses as the entire counsel on divorce and remarriage.  Forgiveness for adultery is possible.  Jesus would also never condone staying in an abusive, violent, dangerous marriage.  And desertion — running away, disappearing forever — is not exactly easy to mend.

Though I’m not married, I understand the pain involved with troubled marriages.  My parents divorced on my fourteenth birthday, so I speak between wanting to follow God’s Word while knowing the pain of broken families.  Should my parents have stayed together? Yes: it’s God’s command. Did they have valid reason to divorce? Yes: adultery. Do they still have another chance at life? Yes: God forgives. For new relationships too? I’d like to say yes, given they follow God and repent.

When fellow Christians tell me, No divorce nor remarriage under any circumstances, I know exactly what they mean.  Let’s never compromise the Word of God just because times are tough.  Let’s show the world what God’s Love is all about, that it can keep a rough marriage together. Those are noble reasons, the best reasons.

But I also speak from a real place of hurting people who have tried with every fiber of their being to make it work, and the adultery and abuse didn’t stop.  I am sometimes thankful my parents ended up divorcing. I wish they hadn’t but see why they did.  They both, after many more post-divorce trials, became better people. My dad himself became truly saved (in his third marriage). Could my parents have been better together? Sure. But after so much adultery and abuse between them, they began to fit Jesus’ exception for divorce.

Please hear my heart on this one: I do not condone divorce.  It’s one of the most painful things that can happen to children, and even without children it destroys a part of the spouse’s soul.  Anyone who gives up on a commitment kills a part of themselves.  It affects your whole life. 

At the same time, this is a broken, sinful, hostile world. Many husbands are downright horrible.  Many wives are outright obnoxious.  They are not beyond saving, but together may be too damaging.  This is not an exit or excuse or escape clause for divorce, and hardly ever should you consider yourself the exception.  When all other options have failed — I really mean there has been severe serious effort — then divorce might be viable.  I say that with total grief and no hint of relief at all.

For people who are divorced: a second chance exists. Maybe they just met Christ after it happened.  The damage is done but recovery is possible with Christ. No one should treat them like second-rate Christians, which happens often.

For people who want remarriage: that requires major prayer, counseling, no possible reconciliation with the ex-spouse, and tons of blessing. I lean more towards remarriage being generally unwise and to be avoided. 

My dad remarried twice. His current marriage seems to be doing well, but he’s left a path of destruction with his first two marriages.  It’s not true that a “starter marriage” helps the next time. Statistically that’s false.  So while it may be desirable, remarriage is usually not wise. I understand the case of single moms or a marriage where early death happened, but even then, there is a lot to pray over. If you’re an over-thinker and over-analyze (like me), that’s the best place to do it.