J.S. Park

Church: Keep Afloat

Your church can be ridiculously frustrating, and you’ll want to give up and walk out and say you were right about them the whole time.

I know you’ve probably had a million ideas they didn’t listen to, and you want worship to be deeper, the Bible studies to be harder, the activities to tone down, the atmosphere more gracious, people more real, the pastor to be more serious or more in-depth or more thoughtful or more attentive. You want more missions, more conviction, more change, more open dialogue.

But please, please, please hang in there.

You’ve probably been trying for a while. I know it hurts to not be heard, to see others halfway committed, to hear the stories of two-faced lives.

Please consider that the “hypocrite” might be someone on their first lap of faith, and they just don’t know yet, and not everyone is paced at your speed. Consider that your pastor has a vision that he is desperately trying to tie together across dozens of conflicting opinions. Consider that what you feel are glaring flaws in your church are NOT sins against anyone, but simply a preference that rides against yours.

Church is exactly the place for you to endure through disagreement and discontent: because it teaches us patience when nothing goes “your way.” It doesn’t mean we remain complacent as things unfold: but that we extend grace for the growing pains of our church body, and we offer solutions lest we become part of the problem.

Fighting for unity is not the same thing as complaining about what’s wrong. I get this confused a lot too, and people can always tell the difference. The church knows when you can’t handle being told “no” and if you are pushing a vengeful reactionary agenda. You know your heart on this one, and if there is bitterness there, you probably wouldn’t listen to you either.

If you’re really hurting for your ministry: I just hope we act to restore and not out of righteous vindication. People walk into church with a divided mind already. They don’t need more of that. If you’re secretly venting to others about what is wrong, even in a “humble” articulate manner: you are poisoning the well. If it’s a legitimate concern, there are better ways to be heard and move forward.

People hear the ones with their sleeves rolled up, and nothing less. They will know if you really care or if you are really bitter. There is certainly a lot wrong with your church: but that’s because we attend them. There could be a time to walk away: but not in anger. There is a time to confront: but not to look back, and only to bring healing.

Have room in your heart to struggle together in the mess we call church. You will be heard this way. More importantly, God will speak this way.

It’s not easy, but don’t give up. Don’t give in. You are needed. Keep afloat, dear friend.

— J.S.

Question: Confronting Your Parents

Anonymous asked:

I’m suicidal and I need help, I realize that. But my mom verbally abuses me and my dad just ignores what’s happening. Also, I don’t have any friends I can trust. Anyway, my family can’t afford counseling, so how do I tell my parents, respectfully, that they are kind of ruining me and to please stop? I’ve prayed that God fixes my family and to give me strength to stand up to them, but nothing has happened yet /:

Thanks for being honest here and I’m really sorry about what’s happening. I’m glad you recognize your need for help; most people don’t.

The hard thing is: you’ll eventually need to have the huge direct conversation with your parents about how you feel. It’s going to take some messy dramatic arguments to move forward, and there’s really no way around it. The longer you delay, the more you’ll bottle up resentment, which will keep hurting you.

I’m often asked “what it looks like” to have this conversation with family, as if there’s some clean ideal method with a neat bowtie resolution.  That only happens on sitcoms.  It’s actually going to look like: snot, tears, slammed doors, ugly cry-face, and horrible hurting words. 

While it’s possible that you could have a very nice chat with no meltdowns, it will most likely be the opposite. I wouldn’t expect this is going to look pretty, structured, or done with a three-point formula.  Anyone looking through your window on a family argument will likely think you’re all insane. It doesn’t matter how mature you’ve become – family has a way of turning you into a crazy banshee.

Please let me tell you what not to do. When I look back, I did tons of stupid things to show my parents how I really felt. When I was sixteen, I literally ran away from home: I packed a backpack in the middle of the night and walked ten hours on the interstate to a friend’s house.  I specifically did it to hurt my parents.

What I didn’t realize until later is that I was being a coward.  I was “acting out” in spontaneous rebellion instead of having a real conversation with them. I really should’ve just twisted my parents’ arms to sit down with me and listen.  Even after I made all these dramatic gestures, I still had to talk with my parents anyway.

In the end, you’ll have to initiate conversation with persistence. 

You just have to talk to them, even if it will turn your house upside-down.

Certainly you already know that you’re supposed to speak in a “loving tone” and to be gracious and humble and respectful.  You’re smart enough to know not to raise your voice or call names or interrupt.  But sometimes parents don’t recognize that.  It doesn’t mean they’re bad; it just means that “Christianese” won’t always cut it. And in the end, even a discussion that begins so rationally can always explode in an instant.

Your parents do recognize a mature loving attitude, but they will ultimately respond to conviction and courage over a long period of time. 

It takes courage to tell your parents that they could be doing a better job for you.  It takes courage to say, “This is not okay.”  Eventually they will have to hear you out and find a better way to do things.  Even if not, then at least you tried: and you still need to be able to speak up for yourself for the rest of your life.

You might not be the most straightforward person and I understand the fear of speaking up, but with family: you can’t really hold back on the truth. You can’t leave words unsaid.  Show them you mean business and you refuse to move on until they listen. 

The fear says they might not listen or you’ll be humiliated or rejected — and maybe this is true for today.  But day after day, this is why you must keep trying.  Push through the fear.  Even halfway good parents will recognize persistence. 

You might be with them at dinner or on a weekend or on a car ride. When you do talk with them, they might push you away. That’s part of the process: keep trying.

They might cry in self-pity and blame themselves and go into victim-mode, but that’s part of the process: keep trying.

They might blow up and throw things or say you’re wrong and call you ungrateful, but that’s part of the process: keep trying.

God and time itself will do their work.  There might be weeks where you feel terrible — but keep trying.  It’s better than holding it in.

I’m not sure if your family is Christian or not, but I’ve found that having a Christian family is no guarantee of good communication, and vice versa. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, so when it came time to announce I was going to be a pastor, it was another painful conversation.  But unless they’re always physically abusing you or actively opposed to your faith, then they will hear you out. You still need to just talk to them.

I know plenty of Christians who have to “disobey” their parents in a godly way, and I completely understand that – but there will be TONS of things that your parents agree with or disagree with, whether they are Christian or not. You still need to just talk to them.

That’s what it takes. Slobbery, snot-filled, red-eyed, ugly-faced conversation. 

I’ll throw you a prayer, and please feel free to message me any time.

— J.S.

Question: Outgrowing My Parents

Two anons (edited for length):

- I’ve recently made a breakthrough and grown in my relationship with God, and I believe that he’s told me that I was made to dance. I know that it would be foolish not to follow His plan for me, but my mom is so against it and she always calls me childish when I speak about it. I haven’t explained to her that God wants me to use my talents to glorify Him simply because I’m afraid of arguing again … Any advice?

- My parents have become one of the major roadblocks when it comes to my faith. I’ve already attempted to talk about them about this multiple times, but every single time, I’m shot down. We’re pretty heavily involved in the church. However, they don’t approve of most of my friends at church, and have begun to strongly discourage me to attend church events and activities. What should i be doing here …?

Hey, I completely understand the drama that comes with family. It’s also very possible that you can outgrow them and make better decisions — but that’s still no excuse to do whatever you want without regard for them.

I’ve hardly ever heard the church teach about when we spiritually outgrow our parents. It tends to be a very imbalanced shriek-session saying “You better honor your parents,” or it becomes a rebellious Western ploy on individualism saying “Ignore the haters, including your parents.” Neither teaching ever works out.

Usually we go one of two extremes, where 1) we try so hard to pull away from our parents that we end up despising them, or 2) we try so hard to please them that we end up miserable.

Sometimes we forget that parents are just people.

By that, I mean –

1) Your parents are just as fallible as you or me. When you grow up to become a rational thinking adult, occasionally you will be right, or your parents will be right, or you’ll both be wrong – just like anyone else. They’ll make mistakes, as will you. And at times you’ll need to know when God is calling you to step your foot down.

This doesn’t mean you disrespect them, just as you wouldn’t disrespect anyone else.  It only means you need to weigh each piece of their wisdom, individually.  And just because you’ve “spiritually outgrown” your parents in some areas doesn’t mean you’re better than them, nor does it give you a right to be a jerk about it. You might have spiritually outgrown a drug addict or a homeless guy or a random old person, but it doesn’t mean you can step on them either.

2) Your parents are also uniquely broken people. You might think they’re crazy or ridiculous or unfair, but they will almost always have a reason that they act the way they do – just like anyone else. 

I’ve told this story before, but one of my friends had a very overbearing mother. My friend was supernaturally patient with her. When I asked how he was so patient, he said, “When my mom was a kid, she was kidnapped during the Khmer Rouge along with her brothers. She saw all her brothers shot in the head, one by one, right in front of her. You don’t know what that does to a person.”

Your parents have grown up in an era you will never know, with unique challenges and even less advances than we have now. Please be understanding of that.  They struggle, too.

Since #1 is true, then be sure of God’s calling for you. Sometimes your parents are just testing your confidence on a decision, and they have every right to do that. If you chase your plans, then your parents will eventually relent and support you. If you give up, they’ll think you never wanted it anyway. 

If you don’t think this is fair, then think for a moment: you already do this with your friends, your church, and your significant other. You earn their respect by continually persisting in reliable consistency. A true friend will press you on your decisions, will make sure you’re not hurting yourself, and will rebuke you when necessary.

For some reason, when our parents do this to us, we just shut down or go nuts. Hold down that urge and let your parents question your dreams too.  And when you know it’s God’s Will — take it all the way.  Even if your parents never approve, they’re just people.

Since #2 is true, then put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Nearly their every motive for you is driven by their own fear. I’m not saying this is right, but it’s human.  Please think on how insane it is that they’ve watched you since you were a tiny fetus inside a womb — and all the responsibility they carry.

They go from nursing a baby to holding a preschooler’s hand to seeing you off to college to walking you down an aisle for marriage to watching you raise kids of your own. Your parents are scared to death for you. They are terrified for your safety, prosperity, faith, well-being, and success. The thought of you being out of their sight scares them like crazy.  And even when they do everything right: kids can still turn out to be criminals.

I know there are some exceptions to “good parents,” like if your parents are abusive or neglectful.  But most parents are just barely making it, trying their best by you, hoping not to mess it up.  If they have been even halfway good parents and they flip out over your plans and goals – please try to understand that this parental fear will cause them to react in all sorts of weird ways.  Show them a little grace and let their meltdown pass.  You will also be surprised at their wellspring of wisdom if you hear them first without pushing them away.  Keep your door open.

And a last thing: I know it’ll be hard dealing with them. But it’s also hard to deal with you. I’m not saying that to be mean, but because I love you: and I want you to know the full truth. Your parents have had to put up with you when you were unlovable, stubborn, crass, helpless, and all over the place.  As crazy as my parents were, I know they also did way more than I could ever repay.  I will never ever fully know the sacrifice they made for me.

If you’ve had parents who tried even a little, it’s worth to consider their wisdom without immediately thinking they’re wrong.  I’m not saying you do this, but I meet too many people who roll their eyes at their parents way too fast. So it’s totally cool to press forward with your plans: but remember your parents have a say in the matter, that they might freak out, but I believe you’re gracious enough to have some room in your heart to hear them out.

— J.S.

Question: When Forgiveness Is Rejected

Two anonymous questions:

- I went through a tough process of struggling with God to forgive someone who betrayed me. However after we reconciled he openly admitted to his insidious intentions and that he doesn’t care if I’m hurt. How do I deal with this double back stabbing and betrayal?

- I feel completely betrayed by a close friend of mine. I need to process and talk it over with my mentors and pastors. However, I don’t want to commit the same sin she did by slandering. She openly admitted to deliberately hurting me. Part of me wants to expose who she is, but I know justice belongs to Jesus. How do I start to heal?

I’m really sorry you have to deal with this and I know exactly how it feels.  There have been people that say “I forgive you” to my face only to discover they were lying right through their teeth.  I was also in a nightmare situation where a former friend acted completely remorseful everywhere else, but in private would give me a wink and imply, “I’m winning.”

Please first allow me the grace to point you to some previous posts:

- Betrayal, Forgiveness, Victory

- Praying For Jerks and Worse

- Forgiving Your Dang Parents

The thing is, forgiveness is a messy mucky difficult journey that almost never goes the way we want on either side.  It’s possible that the person who hurt you will never realize what they’ve done — and no amount of persuasion will get them to repent, even if you expose them.

People are self-protective, defensive, complicated, unwilling creatures.  The moment a person feels he or she has done something wrong, suddenly there are a million justifications for why it was necessary.  Everyone has a cover story for their own wrongdoing, which is almost always a lame excuse that wouldn’t hold up two seconds in a courtroom.  But somehow it makes sense inside a person’s tiny self-justifying brain.

You know this because you’ve done it too.

There are very few people in the world who straight up say, “I was wrong and I’m sorry.”  Even then, as you found out, it’s only for show.  And as much as it sucks, this is often how the world is: and it’s why we need God’s grace all the more.

You’ll need God’s grace to see this smug person everyday. 

You’ll need God’s grace to continue to be yourself around this person without kicking their face in.

You’ll need God’s grace to recognize he or she needs Jesus just as much as you do, to see they are broken like everyone else, to hope that maybe one day they will see themselves as they really are — the perpetrator of a terrible sin against another human being and a con artist to cover up that sin — and I hope these people get God’s grace too, because the other option is not a good one.

But until then, don’t let hate get a hold of your heart.  Don’t let hate define how you treat and trust other people.  Please don’t let this betrayal be a permanent splinter in your side.  You might never completely get over it, but that doesn’t mean you need to get under it either.

You can tell God all your horrible feelings of revenge and retaliation.  Be honest about that.  Christians sometimes feel they have to “nice-up” their prayers, but if you read Psalms or any of the prophets, you’ll see they are just as crazy as you and me.  Let God handle the ugly force of your anger.  Each day just wrestle with it, between you and Him, each night put it back on the shelf, and the volume of your hurt will decrease.  It’s slow, but honesty is the start to healing.  Don’t hide it — God is there to hear your venting. 

Also remember: forgiveness does not mean friendship.  And verbally forgiving someone who isn’t sorry will come across as self-righteous no matter how earnest you are.  Until they come around, you don’t need to say a word to them.  You can tell your pastor or any mutual friends about the situation, and leave it at that. 

I love you and I’m praying for you.

Question: Serving My Church But Feeling Lonely and Used

Anonymous asked:

Hi, so I am really involved in my church - pretty much the backbone of morning services and publicity stuff throughout the year. I love doing what I do, and feel called to do so, but sometimes I feel so alone in church. Pretty much the only time I get a text, email, or even pulled aside at church is to ask me to do something. I feel like no one cares about me, the person…only the me that does everything. It hurts and I am getting fed up. How do I not feel this way?

I’m really, really sorry this is happening, and if I could give you a big hug and then just as quickly drop-kick your pastor, I would.

I realize your church is not evil nor against you nor are they bad people: but you shouldn’t have to feel this way in church.  You do NOT have to think you’re being silly or spoiled or selfish, as if you’re the problem: because you’re not. You’re totally within your right to be loved, served, and encouraged in the body of Christ.

If you haven’t already, please tell your pastor all about these issues.  Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.  Too many of us remain “polite” and play the Nice-Game at the expense of a single real conversation, and we end up regretting all the energy we used to hide the truth. 

Just be honest.  Please charge through any fears or “suburban courtesies” you might have about keeping it real.  You might be surprised at the results.  Most pastors don’t even realize there’s a problem until they’re told straight up: and trust me, a good pastor wants to know the deal.

If you don’t get the response you’re hoping for, then be prepared to leave that place behind.  I know how much it sucks to move on from a church and you’ll mourn over that, but there are TONS of churches that will appreciate your gifts, your time, your talents, and you for who you are.

Please believe me when I say I’m not trying to give permission for a consumer mentality; I’m not trying to make this sound easy or to say you can break commitments at the smallest complaint. 

But life is too short to stay in a place where you’re being crapped on.  Life is too short to serve a church that claims to love Christ but hardly loves people.  You want to be in a safe, gracious, humble, loving place where everyone is cheering for each other in their ministries.  Believe it or not, there are churches just like this.

There is so much urgent Kingdom-work to be done that we can’t afford an uppity, sour, snobby church culture that is clearly stealing your joy.  Again, I don’t mean to demonize your church and I’m sure there are good things about it, but it’s totally acceptable to believe that God is calling you elsewhere. Be honest and see how that goes, and pray hard through it. 

Also read:

- When To Change Churches?

- You Might Want To Change Your Church IF

By Unka Glen: 7 Ways To Tell If This Is Good Ministry

By Unka Glen: Are you in the right church?

Question: That Hurtful Comment About My Faith

Anonymous asked:

I was recently very hurt from a co-worker comment. He said something along the lines of, “Good for you, you found an elitist religion and god that claims it’s the only way to heaven, all other beliefs are going to hell. You must be proud that you’re so smart, that you got it all figured out.” What hurt is he has no idea all the brokenness I suffered before coming to the cross. How would you have responded?

I totally get how hurt you are, because when someone disses your faith it feels like they’re insulting your momma. Trust me, the gloves would be coming off over here if Jesus wasn’t holding me back.

But please understand from their side of things: They just don’t know. 

And it’s okay.  You don’t have to take it personally. As hard as it is, the best you can do is go with the flow and move on.  If you let that hurt turn into retaliation, you’ve fallen into the devil’s lame gameplan. 

The thing is, this dude was probably hurt by a church or offended by a crappy Christian or fed up with religious hypocrites, so he’s predetermined in his mind that all of you must be exactly the same: as if one rotten fruit means the whole farm is bad.  The guy is not against you or your story — he is against his conception of God and the church. 

It’s not even his fault.  We must admit the church has done a pretty bang-up job of reflecting Christ — and when you can humble yourself to admit that, you’ll meet him right where he is.

I might have said: “You know, you’re totally right.  Some people have really abused the name of God to do some horrible things.  I’m not proud of it and I’m really sorry you feel that way. The God I believe is not always reflected so well and I’m just a work in progress with all that.”

You don’t even need to say that much.  Your co-worker will probably not hear an articulate response or your testimony or some apologetic defense — but he WILL hear your attitude, your demeanor, and your composure. 

On some level he is poking you to see what pops out.  He might get a kick out of watching you squirm.  Maybe it’s his way of getting even with religion.  But unless he is illegally assaulting you, please try to see from his side and endure patiently.  Consider finding opportunities to serve him when you can. 

It doesn’t mean you passively kiss up and cater to his every demand, but that your natural emotional reaction would be curbed into coolness — and that’s better for you and for him. Not only will you have some peace through it all, but a handful of people might be surprised by such grace.

The best way a Christian can get mad is to pray down kindness, bake a cake, ask “How are you,” hold open the elevator, and be understanding.

Your graciousness could turn his world upside-down.  I’ve seen it happen: because I was that guy too, the atheist who provoked every single Christian I knew and only got back supernatural grace that was simply undeniable.  It may be a very long road of persistent patience, but that time will come when your testimony will be heard.

¹⁵ For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. … ²³ When they hurled their insults at [Jesus], he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. — 1 Peter 2:15-23

¹⁵ But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, ¹⁶ keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. — 1 Peter 3:15-16

¹⁴ If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. — 1 Peter 4:14

Question: When To Give Up On Someone

Anonymous asked:

You are ministering. Their heart is not swayed. How do you know it is time to let go and stop ‘casting pearls’?

There was a down-on-his-luck guy in my church who asked everyone for money, rides, food, references, and a place to stay.  The guy was obnoxious but we thought the “Christian duty” was to help him out.  My former pastor and I poured tons of our time and money into him, hoping he would better his own life.

Soon we find out the guy was using money on stupid things he couldn’t afford, unable to hold a job because he didn’t like being told what to do, and he was trying to date the teen girls in the youth group. 

Eventually we all rallied to stop helping him.  As bad as we felt, we refused to give him anything else: and in the long run, cutting him off actually helped him.

As for you, this is really a case-by-case scenario that will require crazy wisdom and discernment.  But Jesus doesn’t leave us blind on this one.

Let’s examine the verse you’re talking about.  Jesus only says this line only once in his famous Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 7:6 —

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

Jesus is actually drawing some boundaries.  Earlier he says to not judge your brother but instead to first examine the plank in your own eye, and then you can take the speck out of theirs.  It was a way of humbly restoring your stumbling brother.

But in this verse, he’s talking about the other extreme: if there is someone who is using or abusing you, feel free to walk out or call the police.

The problem though is that we run to this verse a little too soon.  If there’s one thing I know, Jesus calls us to love no matter what. And love will cost you.  It’s a sacrifice.  It hurts.

If you find yourself walking out whenever things get a little uncomfortable, then you’re just using the whole “don’t cast pearls to dogs” as a loophole for your safety.  If you ever decide to let go of ministering to someone, it should make you sick to your stomach: you should hate it.  I know I did.  It’s because love is the primary foundation, and Christians should be reluctant to avoid the opportunity to love.

Yet I also know love doesn’t mean pampering, spoiling, or coddling.  If you feel your every effort is only enabling someone to be dependent and abusive, then ask God for wisdom on how to approach this with a firm hand. 

Your motive still has to be love: and sometimes that means taking off the gloves and saying it how it is.  Don’t dance around and sugarcoat and water it down.  If it’s getting bad, you need to sit them down and have the conversation.  That’s grown-up time.  You will be doing them a favor.  And if they just don’t hear you again and again: you have a decision to make.

I know this is never easy.  It sucks to have to confront people and to make the decision of cutting someone off.  But there’s a time for these things, and you’re doing it because you love them.  Just make sure that’s really why.

Also read:

- How To Cut Someone Off The “Christian” Way

- My Friend Doesn’t Care, Now What?

- The Four Cornerstones of Legit Friendship

- Four Things To Remember When You Rebuke

Question: Friendshifts, Marriage, and Suicide

Anonymous asked:

May I ask for some advice? I have this friendship that is falling apart. We use to be close. He was there for me when I was ill and had no one else. But then my marriage change our friendship. Ever since things have been different. However, lately he’s been depressed and speaking of suicide. I want to help him and be there for him. But his cynical + sarcastic attitude hurts me. All we do is argue now. I just want to fix our friendship and I want to help him. I don’t know what to do anymore. :,(

First please allow me to point to Unka Glen’s podcast Say That, Episode 30, which discusses a little bit about how to deal with this sort of dilemma in friendship, particularly when it comes to marriage.  These dudes say it way better than I could.

I know this part sucks: when a friendship changes because of a transitioning season.  Most people don’t know how to move along smoothly, and even if you’re totally prepared, it’s still painful. 

You’re married now, which means everything changes, including how you relate to others.  It will mostly make a distance between the opposite sex (a good thing), and close friends who say “I thought you had my back” need to realize it’s not tenth grade anymore where you can just drop things and rush over. That whole season is behind you.

Your first priority for the rest of your life now, after God, is your spouse.  Especially when you have kids, your single friends need to know you’re not as accessible because you have kids, as in you are raising other human lifeforms that need your full attention lest they die.  Anyone who tries to step in on this needs to know it is NOT okay.

All that to say, as much as you want to help your hurting friend, you still need to set reasonable boundaries or even pass off your friend to someone who can be a better help, like a counselor or small group or bigger church community.  There is zero-guilt in doing so.  Of course you love your friend: but that’s exactly why you’re doing this, because you love him enough to realize you can no longer be a 24-hour revolving door. 

Everyone needs to recognize this. All your friends need to know: if they so much as glance wrong at your marriage or attempt to invade it by “upping” their ranking in your life, they are going to be dropped like yesterday.  You don’t need extra drama.  You’re grown now.

This is not the same as giving up on your friend.  After all, was he really going to depend on you the rest of his life?  And I get the sense that if he is being cynical and sarcastic and snappy, it’s possible you’re being used as a punching bag anyway.  This is only enabling his attitude because he thinks I can get away with it.  A friendship can get to the point where the arguing becomes the “friendship,” which means someone is using the other for emotional drama (yes, people do this all the time).  Cut that right at the root.

So again, boundaries.  Don’t let him get past those lines with excuses or more arguing.  Set the hammer down: there is no indirect way to do that.  I know you’ll want to be super-polite, but that only delays the truth.  A gentle firm way could be, You got to know I love you, which is why I’m going to say: I can’t be your lifesaver.  I am married now so please respect that this is a huge change that requires ALL of me to grow into, and if you’re my friend, I know you want me to be happy.  My spouse is my first priority, and there’s no way around that, ever.  But even if I wasn’t married now, I know you can’t possibly want me to be guilty or hurt, and that’s how you’re making me feel.  You really need help that I wish I could give you, but obviously we are not helping each other at all.  I’m here for you as long as you understand all this, so respect me like a grown-up and please get the full help you need.

I know this sounds harsh (it’s actually not), and I’m sorry that he’s depressed, but this does NOT mean he gets to steal you away from yourself.  It does not mean he gets to treat you like toilet paper.  If he’s suicidal, there is a time to help for that, but this also means he needs help that could be a little over our heads. It’s really okay to recommend him to or bring him elsewhere. 

As hard as it sounds, if he doesn’t respect you, drop him like it’s hot.  He needs to know you’re serious, that you’re not playing around, that you are willing to shut the door forever.  Be encouraging, be there for him when you can, but also be willing to say it how it really is and point him to other sources of help that he really, really needs.  If he’s going to be mature about it, he will listen.