J.S. Park

Question: Women Pursuing Men?

Anonymous asked:

I have set a standard of not pursuing men whom I am interested in. However, this makes it so difficult as a woman because it’s hard to show interest without being the pursuer. In addition, having a crush is difficult for me since I desire a committed relationship that will lead to marriage someday, not just petty relationships that fill loneliness. How do I go about relationships with men whom I’m interested in without pursuing them?

I’m saying this because I love you, dear sister: but I totally chuckled at your message.

Especially this sentence: “How do I go about relationships with men whom I’m interested in without pursuing them?”

I’m not trying to be mean here.  I also completely understand that a woman can look “desperate” or “man-crazy” if she pursues a guy.  And there’s a very slim chance that a guy might notice you if you make a duck face at him long enough (which already breaks your rules).

So can we step back a bit?  Please allow me the grace to say: Ladies, it’s okay for you to throw a direct signal at another guy if you’re interested. 

I’ll go one further and say that a nice Christian dude usually needs a direct signal because they would never know otherwise.  Most of my guy-friends, as educated and professional as they are, can be as dumb as rocks when it comes to women.  I include myself in there too.

But I think a lot of this has to do with the strange subculture of Christian dating.

We really need to relax a lot about dating and romance.  The Christian subculture gets pretty dang oppressive.  Like when an older lady tells you, “Stop thinking about the way that boy brushed you arm!” — well, sorry lady, but Elisabeth Eliot spent a page talking about the way Jim brushed her arm in Passion and Purity, and Elisabeth Eliot is the ultimate mascot for pure Christian ladies.  I’ve read her book twice and she went sort of crazy going after Jim.  It was also totally sweet.

Oh, and Timothy Keller’s wife actually pursued him by basically saying, “We’re either dating or we’re not going to be friends anymore.”  Pastor Tim admitted he had no idea she felt that way until she said so.  I don’t hear anyone dissing Tim Keller’s wife on this — and in fact, I applaud her.

If you need a biblical example: I seem to remember Ruth, the ancestor of Jesus Christ, approaching a certain Boaz by laying under his covers and proposing to him for marriage.  That’s not very subtle.

This is our human reality: that we’re hardwired to be attracted and feel chemistry and get hormonally excited, and when we’re chained down by weird cultural etiquette, you’re also diminishing your humanness. 

So please, please, please be okay with going into an environment where you can meet many nice cute Christian men.  And if you’re rejected: it might hurt, but it’s not the end of the world. 

I am NOT condoning casual dating nor philandering nor even an emphasis on the dating scene.  I’m not saying every woman needs to start pursuing the dude.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t be careful, because you should, and if you feel some red flags, then bounce. 

Yet please do not enslave yourself to a chokehold mentality that is supposed to be “helping” you when it’s only throttling your God-created femininity.  And pursue God first in all this, because the main focus is not about finding a right partner: but becoming full in Christ, so that no one else may be your savior but Him.  In between that space, you’ll find the guy you’re looking for, and he’ll be looking for you too.

— J.S.

Question: About To Marry a Porn Addict

Two anons asked:

- Hi! I enjoy reading your blog and I know you have battled a porn addiction. I have a few questions. How do you feel about people who are battling against a porn addiction while dating? Do you think that person could have a genuinely Christ-centered, Godly and healthy relationship? Or is it bound to fail? Would it be okay for the guy to take a break so he figures things out for himself? What is the role of the girl in this? Is she able to do anything at all?

- I’m engaged to someone who claims to be Christian but I’m starting to feel as though he is not. We agree on almost everything except for the issue on whether watching porn is okay … He just wants me to be okay with it, that way he doesn’t feel guilty. So my question is, is watching porn wrong? …What biblical evidence is there that I can give him? I really pray that he would want to change but if not I don’t think I can marry someone with this problem.

If you would’ve asked me this question a few years ago, I would’ve said:

“What are you thinking, ladies? Dump that dude right now! Any man who can’t give up something for you ain’t no man at all.”

To some degree, I still agree with this. If it’s not serious or you just started dating, then please do NOT feel obligated to stay.  You deserve better. If you’re looking for an excuse to stay with this guy because he’s cute in the face or you’re afraid to be alone: then you already know that won’t be enough down the line. 

But in my growing compassion for people, I know how difficult it is to defeat porn in an over-sexualized culture.  I know how screwed up we are to think that “porn is the norm.” 

As much as I sound like a cranky old man, today sex is like shaking hands and human trafficking is barely blinked at.  This is our world now: a culture of deep apathy that is unavoidably ingrained.

While this doesn’t absolve any man’s destructive behavior, it does give me more of a heart to work with them and resolve the root issues.  It helps explain why men shrug it off.

Maybe you’ve been told to dump the guy on the spot, and that could be good advice — but battling porn is a lifelong struggle for all men today.  It’s unrealistic to think you’ll meet some guy who has never struggled with it. 

I also know how hard it is to just break up with someone if you’re engaged or it’s very serious.  Certainly we should never be afraid to break off a relationship that is abusive or a deadbeat, but porn is something you both could overcome together with patience and persistence.  It’s not always a deal-breaker.

While you might find the perfect porn-less guy, I think we can realistically say: Every woman will now have to openly, honestly, aggressively talk about lust with their future husbands in an era where porn is so freely available.  This has to be a daily truthful dialogue where the man must be able to freely express himself without shame or a fear of retaliation.

But first, let’s talk about what will happen if the guy says, “I just want you to be okay with my porn.”

1) If you’re planning on marrying this guy one day, you will probably have kids.  Your future husband will be awkward around your daughter when she turns thirteen because porn has turned his view of women into objectification.  He’ll also be awkward around your daughter’s friends. 

Out of guilt, he’ll try to avoid your daughter or will be plain uncomfortable — and she’ll feel alienated, rejected, and lacking in a father’s love, sending her down a spiral of seeking fulfillment and acting out.  You might think this is crazy talk, but I’ve heard of this happening way too much.

2) Even if you both have a son, then your husband will be awkward around your son’s future girlfriend.  That’s not going anywhere good.

3) Porn has a way of destroying self-control that bleeds into other areas, like finances, health, cheating, lying, and being able to spend sacrificial time with other people.

4) However society feels about porn and however much they accept it, if a guy is not willing to give that up for you: that already says a ton about who he is.  Also, secular circles are catching up and now realizing how harmful it really is.  All the research is showing: long-term use of porn leads to erectile dysfunction, even in teens.  I would laugh if it wasn’t so sad.

5) Almost all porn is made from human trafficking and sex slavery. It is NOT from girls who are willing, as they’re so often portrayed. So using porn (even “free porn”) is directly supporting a horrific multi-million dollar industry of rape, torture, abuse, and under-aged coercion.  This is one of the main reasons I decided to quit porn.  I couldn’t live with myself knowing I was endorsing the institutionalized rape of young women.  Reading some of the stories nearly made me puke.

Now all that to say: I don’t think a relationship with a porn-using guy is necessarily bound to fail, but you absolutely must have a heart-to-heart eye-to-eye discussion with him.  You’ll really need to dig at the root of his motives, to see if he is willing to be honest with himself, and see if he really cares to change.  The evidence is undeniable: if he can’t quit, he can’t be the kind of husband or father that’s worthy of you.

I mean you’re potentially entrusting this guy to take care of you, to be faithful, be stable, be constant, be a leader, and to take care of your children that will pop out of you — and you are sharing your life with him until the day you die.  Women: it’s a very scary thing to marry a man and to entrust him with such a lifetime commitment.  It’s even harder if you’re beginning from a deficit of stubborn refusal.

So ask the hard questions.  Why won’t he give up the porn?  What advantages are there to it?  Does he really need a magical Bible verse to stop him?  If the Bible never said a word on it, would porn ever honor God?  Is it okay to support an industry that enslaves young women?  Can’t he give this up for you?

This might take many conversations.  You can refer him to counseling or to seek a men’s group or to check out the research.  I hope he is open to this.  I hope he comes around to the truth.  But if he completely refuses to quit or doesn’t try at all: then you’re going to have to consider a tough decision. 

I’ll definitely throw you a prayer.  My heart is with you, dear friends.  When it comes down to it: please be willing to put your foot down and to never settle for less.  There are still godly men out there who are definitely not perfect, but more than willing to move the moon for you.

— J.S.

For my recent podcast episodes on porn addiction, click here

Question: Everyone Is Telling Me What To Do

Two anons asked (edited for length):

- J.S, I hear all the time that marriage is for procreation. And that’s it. As an asexual, I have no interest in physical intimacy OR producing children… and yet I’m made to feel as though I’m … an unnatural sinner heathen land because (and I quote) “they don’t produce children either.” People tell me I just need to ‘open my heart to Jesus to correct this sin’ but I’ve never really had an interest in those things …!

- I don’t want to be a Christian any more. I’m sinning and being selfish by not wanting children, for wanting a spouse to share life with but not willing to give up birth control methods to seek out a Christian spouse. If my entire purpose of loving someone is to just produce something I don’t feel capable of caring for … then WHY was I even born? I feel like God’s a huge jerk for expecting everyone to have and want children.

I get questions like these all the time, whether it has to do with children or future career or forgiving someone or what kind of clothes to wear at Sunday service.

Please let me put this all very simply then.

Everyone else around you has a vision for your life.

Everyone thinks they know better for you than you do for yourself. Of course this can be partially true. Certainly there’s a way to filter advice and discern good wisdom. Parts of someone else’s vision might be good for you — but no one has the right to dictate their entire plan over your life. That authority only belongs to God.

Also: most people are not even following what they’re telling you, or they just want you to do what they’re not doing, or they’re living vicariously through your victories.

Once at Starbucks, I heard this young red-headed dude telling his friend about all the benefits of an all-vegan diet and how to exercise all-natural and the way to get six-pack abs in a month. The red-head dude offered to train his friend. The friend asked, “How did it turn out for you?” And the red-headed expert said, “Oh, I don’t have time for all that.”

Everyone does this, all the time.

It doesn’t mean that someone needs to be perfect to give you advice. It just means that most people have a secret agenda in their advice, because they want to have some kind of control over you that they don’t have for themselves. It’s a bizarre reverse-hypocrisy that we’re all guilty of doing.

If God has called you to a single life without children, then cool. Just know that not many people will be cool with it, and you can’t take that personally. I repeat: You can’t get discouraged every time someone throws their ideas on you, because people will do this to you your whole life.

If you react emotionally every time someone else doesn’t like your life, you’ll be throwing drop-kicks all day. There’s no end to the drop-kicking. It’s exhausting. So let them be.

Your dream might be to dance or draw or write or make movies or start a non-profit or own a gym or create technology — and there will always be someone who cuts in on your dreams and makes you feel like you’re worthless. But so long as you pursue God and His calling: who cares what these people think? They certainly have wisdom, but they are not the ones who have to live your story.

Some of us forget that Jesus didn’t have a wife nor children nor a home. He was perfectly content to be single. I’m not saying we need to follow this — but I’m saying that if Jesus lived this way, then the church shouldn’t be so hard on single people who don’t want marriage nor children.

Unfortunately, people will talk because they’re people. They talk. They will throw their version of you on you like shackles. Shrug and move on. Pursue what God has called you to do, and let God take care of the opposition.

I’ll also add: God has a very hilarious way of changing your mind on things when you least expect it. I meet plenty of people who go through a break-up and swear off marriage forever, only to be the first to marry and have twelve kids. Please don’t completely write off God’s sudden interruptions in your life — because they’re not really interruptions. He could change your heart on these things.

God will also heal those broken places from the past that cause hurt and fear and anxiety — because God doesn’t want you to decide anything based on reactionary decisions. Maybe your parents divorced and so marriage is not attractive for you: but no one can live based off what went wrong before. Ask God sincerely for clarity in your vision.

Be open to that, seek wise counsel, and keep a few people around you who are willing to challenge you and disagree. Sometimes they will be right, but ultimately: God is the one who writes your story. Follow Him.

— J.S.

Question: The Fear of Relationships, Dating, and Marriage

Anonymous asked:

I fear marriage. This is primarily due to childhood trauma when my parents separated when I was quite young. My mother raised my older brother and I as a single parent, and without my dad’s support. I keep going back and forth between the decision of following in my mother’s footsteps, that is, to be well off without a man, and adopt if I ever decided to have kids of my own, or fight through this fear that I’ll be in a marriage that will end up like my parents. Any advice?

I’m really sorry that happened and I get it: my parents divorced on my fourteenth birthday so I know the pain. I know many people with the same history who never recover.

The thing is: you can live a completely satisfied fulfilled life as a single person. BUT: if your motivation is born out of fear, avoidance, or anxiety, we might want to reconsider our motives and see if there’s a better way forward.

I meet so many hurt people who declare they are “done forever” with the dating scene, and while I understand those hurts are very legitimate, that’s even more reason not to allow a hurt to determine our lives. It is unfair to yourself to live on a reactionary decision.

There are very, very few people who are destined for a single life, and often God only calls them to that if the mission absolutely demands it. I’m thinking of Mother Teresa or Shane Claiborne or Apostle Paul. And Jesus himself. Otherwise: if you have a pulse and you like the opposite sex, you’re probably not called to live alone in a tribal village to translate the Bible in Swahili and eat caterpillars.

I don’t mean to be glib or harsh. I just see many young men and women who swear off dating for life, and suddenly God roundhouses them with an awesome godly person. And I get to laugh.

But if you do feel ready for a relationship, do NOT let anyone pressure you. On one hand I see the damage of “restricted Christian dating,” which is harmful because of legalistic exhaustion. But then I see the damage of “relaxed relevant I’m-cool Christian dating” which pretty much says that a girl is snobby if she turns down a guy and that you should just-go-for-it-whenever.

All that to say: I would hate to see you get caught up in either extreme.  I completely understand your hurt, but let’s not jump too fast out of overreaction. Let’s be thoughtful of what God Himself has to say to each of us as individuals through His Word and His Spirit.

Please take the time to think through your motives. Please do not be too quick to listen to dating advice (including mine) and investigate it for yourself. Don’t let anyone steal you into a dating culture, whether it’s legalistic restrictions or marry-nice-Christian-boy-now. Take time to heal and seek Jesus and to find good mentors and godly wisdom for the next chapter. If you really believe you are called to singleness, ask God why. It has to be for His purpose, and not your own.

— J.S.

Question: Can A Guy and Girl Be Friends?

Anonymous asked:

I know there is no straight up answer to this question because everyone has different boundaries and it’s a matter of permissible vs. beneficial. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past which have resulted in a lot of hurt and drama. What are some healthy guidelines for emotional boundaries in opposite gender friendships? How can I pursue a healthy, deep and ‘intimate’ friendship while guarding my heart (and the other person’s) without being legalistic? Or can guys and girls not be close friends?

Here’s the short, simple answer on this one:

While everyone thinks they can beat the odds and be the exception, almost no one can escape romantic feelings if they have a super-intimate relationship with the opposite gender.

The important thing here is what you choose to do with those feelings.

Now please hear me: You have a right to feel what you feel, but you’re not obligated to pursue it.

Just because you feel romantic emotions, it does NOT inevitably lead to a date and a wedding. 

I know this probably isn’t your motive, but it’s so ingrained in us today that boys and girls can only flirt to communicate and there’s all this “unrequited longing” that we emulate from sitcoms. 

I’m reminded of a very poignant Simpsons episode where Homer has feelings for another woman, so he thinks he has to have sex with her.  He actually starts sobbing in his hands and says, “We’re gonna have sex.”  I died.

Because of our overly sexualized culture, we assume that being around the opposite gender immediately means “romantic possibilities,” but it does NOT.  You and I learned that crap from bad rom coms, Hollywood saturation, and your horny group of friends. We’ve all bought into this “friendzone” garbage, but no one is entitled to a date just because they’re “nice.” 

We live in such an impulsive impatient generation, so we assume our first instinct must be the right one — as if we need to chase the rabbit every time.  I mean really, when’s the last time we actually said NO to ourselves?  Hardly ever.  If I want Taco Bell at 2am, then by golly I will have my chalupa with extra beef grease and a side of twelve burritos.

My friend: you know your boundaries already.  Do you know how you know?  Because you’ve been hanging out with friends since you could walk.  You learned how to navigate your own personality, the art of communication, your preferred space, whether you were an extrovert or introvert, and what kind of things you like to do. You don’t need to suddenly change all the rules for the opposite gender.  Why would you?

I’m sure you see this playing out the wrong way all the time.  We all know the guy who suddenly changes his voice and puffs out his chest when a girl walks in.  We all know the girl who gets shrill and obnoxious when a dude walks in. No one actually thinks it’s cute.

I’m not talking about the natural nervousness of being around someone we’re attracted to: I mean that many of us are subconsciously trapped by trying to impress the opposite gender, as if maybe something will happen out of thin air.  No one really thinks to the bottom of that belief.  Very few people actually question how we got to this mutant form of romance.

We all need to relax on this and realize we are much more than our sexuality.  We are human beings who share the common need for companionship and authenticity and intimacy, with both genders, and we can leave it at that without making it some drama.  Let’s be grown-ups about this.

Please don’t believe the lie of immature romance.  Yes, a guy and a girl can be friends, if you can just quit believing that feelings HAVE to go somewhere.  They don’t. 

On that note, if you meet an awesome person chasing after Christ and you hit it off and there are fireworks, then hey: go for it.  Dating is not some evil monster that will ruin your future marriage.  Too much of the Christian subculture on dating is outright harmful. 

Also, when you get married, you will pretty much phase out any opposite-gender friends anyway.  Spouses who don’t do this out of pride end up getting into disastrous trouble.  I know that sounds unfair and someone always thinks they can beat this, but you can’t tell your wife, “Okay honey, I’m hanging out with Amy today, k thx bye!”  Not unless you like sleeping by the front door.  And trust me: when you’re mature enough to consider marriage, then leaving behind those friends will actually feel like a good thing. 

So please set your boundaries by the ones you already have for friendship, investigate your own heart on what’s comfortable for you, and just relax around the boys and girls.  If you feel your heart racing, just thank God you’re alive and you have the privilege of those emotions.  It doesn’t mean you have to act on it: you make that choice.

Question: About Dating a Non-Christian

Anonymous asked:

I love the way you answer questions! You are so inspirational. My real question is this: What are your thoughts on dating a non-Christian?

Thank you for your kind words, which will make it harder for me be tough here.

My very short answer on a Christian dating a non-Christian is: Don’t do it.

And it’s not even because of “religious differences” or “how we gonna raise them kids” or “moral quandaries.”  Committing your heart to another person is already a pretty huge deal, and it’s hard enough finding someone who is legit and compatible. If you throw one more complexity into the mix, you’re just making it unnecessarily difficult for yourself — when all along is a much better fit for you who loves Jesus like you do.

We can say something like “love is blind” or “love wants what it wants,” which is cute for a little while until you’re both running divergent paths without hardly understanding each other or why you’re driven to live that counter-cultural life.

Finding a decent godly man or a spiritually strong woman is already an uphill task: and two Christians dating have enough problems of their own. 

Here’s the inconsistency:

How can we overlook something as critical as faith while breaking up over even smaller things like height, man-hands, Hobbit feet, and eyes-too-close-together?

Our faith is not just what we believe, but a journey of where we are going.  It encompasses our destination, character, empowerment, the narrative we speak over our lives, and everything in between.  If someone doesn’t get this about you but has a little extra cash in his pocket or a pretty nose: I think we need to do a gut-check on our priorities.

The thing is, I wouldn’t ever say, “Don’t date a dude if he’s not a Christian.” That’s not for me to say.  What I would say is, “Don’t date a dude just because he’s pretty in the face and can sweet-talk you from your perch and he’s got a couple zeros on his bank statement and he has sweaty glistening rock-abs.”  That’s usually what it comes down to. 

When we’re attracted to a person primarily for shallow-surface reasons, we dismiss the deep spiritual connection that will actually grow the both of you.  The spiritual/internal “I-get-you” is really the only meaningful element that will keep you persevering for the long-term. 

So you know, “I-get-you” doesn’t mean he likes the same music or movies or you both can whisper dreamy baby-talk on the phone for hours.  “I get you” means “I get you love Jesus more than anything, and as tough as it is, I’m in on that adventure right with you.”

While I have seen the very, very, very rare relationship work out between two spiritually incompatible people, usually one ends up bending to the other, or they have a split life, or the Christian goes numb and accepts the blindness. 

And we must consider: if Jesus is who he says he is, then we’d do well to extract ourselves from anyone who actively draws us away from the source of all life.  Not to guilt you in any way, but none of us are going to stand before God one day and say, “Well that guy was totally worth it.”  The biggest struggle I often see is not merely the battle to overcome, but also someone who has settled for less and sold themselves short.  Complacency is so much more dangerous than conflict.

Dear friend: If you’re already in a long-term relationship with a non-Christian, I know this isn’t going over well.  You probably made up your mind and it’s not my job to judge you nor persuade you.  Maybe you are the very rare exception, and while I don’t want to bet on that, perhaps the other person will come around and wake up to Jesus. I pray you do what you can to help your significant-other to Christ while not being wooed away yourself.  There’s no formula for that either: he or she will either come around, or they won’t.

I also don’t want you to feel like it’s “Too late, I’m stuck.”  If you’re married, then you’re pretty much stuck — in a good way, and you best work on that as best you can with the Lord.

Otherwise you have a choice, and as cliche as it sounds, you do have the power to pick the God-honoring decision regardless of your past, your baggage, or your history with this relationship. Don’t ever feel like you’re anchored down to something less than what you deserve just because you’ve invested so much into it.  Commitments are good, but not if you’re speeding down the wrong way of a one-way street.

We get trapped thinking we owe a debt to debt, but for once I’d like to hear someone say, “Here and no further.  I know what’s right, and I’m going to quit looking behind me like I owe the past.  I owe myself better than this.”  That’s not just about relationships.  This is about what you’re really about.  I’m praying for both your discernment and a daily grace for you to wisely traverse this tricky road.

Question: Sexuality Is Not Everything

Anonymous asked:

I’ve always wondered what would happen if we were wrong about homosexuality. I struggle with this. I’ve prayed for years but nothing has changed. I have major depression and general anxiety disorder. If we’re wrong, then I’ve wasted years of my life. But I’m also afraid of being right. Would God condemn someone who studied the Bible, prayed, but simply came to the wrong conclusion? I want to get married and I want a family, but I’m not attracted to women.

(Made you anonymous just in case)

Hey: you’re very awesome for your honesty and your candor and for saying what most Christians are already thinking.  I only wish the church was half as honest as you are.

So I’ll start by saying: It is NOT the church’s job to persuade anyone of anything, ever.  The church is not my platform; it’s His.

I’ll be upfront to say I believe what the Bible says on all the tough issues: but I’ll also say that it’s my priority to love you, care for you, pray for you, and serve you regardless of your preferences, race, sexuality, intellect, past, status, or face.

I love you, Jesus loves you, and that is that.

For anyone who did not help you to experience the unconditional love of Christ: I’m sorry it went down that way.  I’m sorry for the horrible approach of the church to suffocate this one issue beyond sanity.  Despite what anyone tells you, there is no prerequisite or “standard” for the grace of God, and that’s why it’s the grace of God.  For any time you were ostracized or abused or left hurting, I’m so very sorry.

Dear friend, to answer more specifically: We all wonder if this journey of faith is worth it.  We all have the secret thought, What if this is just a lie and we’re kidding ourselves? 

And no matter the type of struggle, you are bound to hit anxiety and depression sometimes.  You’re not alone here, and most honest Christians will tell you they often feel two steps away from total combustion. 

Trust me on this: if you’re struggling, it’s just life.  It gets tough.  We don’t have to beat ourselves up about it, and we can all breathe out together. 

There is probably a ton more I could say here, but I’ll boil it down to this —

Please do not determine the course of your life based on what you think is possible today.

You might feel like you’re stuck in a rut or circling a doubt or anchored to a feeling: but the thing is, I would never put it past God to uppercut your life.  He can, does, and will.  It’s not my job to persuade you of anything, but I can tell you that when God is in the equation, mountains get moved and any kind of heart in any condition can surprise itself.

We can’t really claim that your current slice of life right now is how you will always feel.  Don’t take a tiny percentage of your journey as a reflection of the whole thing.  Please be open to the possibility that God will do anything He wants through you.

God loves you, and that love is going to jumpstart a process in your heart that will take you places you never could’ve imagined.  Take any Christian like myself and spin the clock back five years, and they could never have guessed how God would place them today. 

No one in a billion eons would’ve thought this self-centered, overly horny, fist-shaking atheist would be a Christian blogging pastor.   Let’s never underestimate God on that.

I’ve also written a few things on sexuality, particularly about the marriage issue, but please allow me to boil this down to another thing:

Your sexual identity is not everything about you, because you are a God-created individual who is much more than your urges and appetites and desires.

Both the secular talk show host and the red-faced preacher who set a laser-sight on our sexuality are just whoring attention to their platforms while reducing human beings to human do-ings.  That’s a no-win.

The thing is, you are not just based on who you want to have sex with.  I don’t mean to diminish the issue, but it’s possible we’ve blown up the struggle out of proportion and made it some cartoon monster. You might have super-sized your issue to consume your entire vision, which always robs the Christian of his or her true purpose.

God does call us to something beyond the singular fight with our natural fleshly nature. 

In my flesh, sure: I’d love to have mindless sex when I feel like it, and I can feel guilty all day long and convince myself that the guilt is part of my Christian life.

Or I can lay that aside and realize I am way more than this.  I am not just my impulses and gut instinct and physical needs and sinful tendencies.  While they are a part of me, they’re not the only thing.  And I will NOT let guilt be a secret doorway to settle for less.

God made me for something so supernaturally outside my flesh that this struggle, while still present, gets left behind in the adventure.

So let’s put aside the struggle for a minute.

If this was not your only issue, what exactly do you think God would call you to do?

Maybe no one at church has ever asked you this question.

Maybe you’ve only been told what you “shouldn’t do,” and they’re leaving out the part where God calls us to an incredible life-fulfilling all-glorious mission that’s actually the handcrafted purpose of our lives.

I would totally look into that.

I love you times a million and I’m throwing prayers your way.

Question: The Weird Subculture of “Christian Dating”

Anonymous asked:

How do you feel or have personally experienced the Christian subculture’s treatment or approach towards dating/courting/romantic relationships?

You know, I had really bought into the modern “Christian” idea of dating because it appeals to the legalistic Pharisee in all of us.  It’s not all bad, but it often results in a panicked paranoia about the opposite sex that leads to unhealthy self-slavery.

Basically, the Christian subculture of dating says:

- Don’t date.

- If you date, do “courtship,” which is dating only for marriage.

- The warning: if you decide to date, you give your heart and soul away.

- If you break up, you’re practicing for divorce.

- Sex is bad, filthy, gross, and disgusting.  So save it for marriage.

The thing is, I completely understand this rigid idea of dating.  It’s a reactionary philosophy to all the messed up Hollywood values perpetuated in dumb romantic comedies.  So to the average Christian, it makes sense to “only date for marriage” and “guard the pieces of your heart.” 

But the opposite of one idea doesn’t make a good idea.

To unabashedly quote myself, this is essentially what “Christian” dating is saying:

Screw all those people who have a traumatic past of dating because they’re obviously evil serial daters and life is black-and-white and there’s no hope for people who have given away pieces of their purity.  Just line up all your ex’s in a room and look at how dirty you are.  Jesus can restore broken people to a brand new life, except if you dated some loser who played your innocence and stole your childhood when you didn’t know any better since Freud says that’s subconsciously all your fault.  Sorry, Jesus saves — his salvation-juice for only the good people.

I absolutely believe that we should be careful about who we date and to set high standards for it.  You should never have to settle for less than what you feel you deserve.  There should definitely be safe physical boundaries, and yes, sex is awesome and it’s only awesome within marriage.

BUT: We need to relax a little here.

If you break up, it’s not the end of the world. 

If you crossed those physical boundaries, you haven’t “ruined your purity forever.”

If you kiss a few frogs to find the prince, that doesn’t make you a “serial dater.”

Some of us learn the hard way, and others follow the textbook to the letter.  I am NOT giving permission to do what you want, but I’m saying that for those who are beat up by consequences, God still gives you a new heart as you stumble back towards Him.  Your past is the past: it does not define you.  There’s no such thing as “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” so long as you’re repenting towards Christ.

Remember also that the Bible doesn’t have a lot to say about dating, but it does have a lot to say about friendship and marriage.  I would look over those passages carefully to better discern both the Christian subculture and Hollywood nonsense. 

So here’s a few things I’ll say about dating that you can take or leave.  They’re not from the Bible, but are hopefully biblical.

1) If you can be your entire crazy self around the person you’re dating, they’re a keeper.  This person will almost always be your best friend.

2) If you’re going to talk seriously or discuss the future or break up, try to do it in person.  All this technology stuff only prevents us from having normal human interaction.

3) You do NOT have to be friends with your ex.  Forgiveness does not mean friendship.

4) You’re allowed to mourn over a break-up.  It doesn’t mean you’ve “idolized” anything.  Any preacher who tells you otherwise has no idea how to be human.

5) Pray with the person you’re dating.  Find time for God together.  It’s always a little awkward at first, but break through those spiritual hang-ups and share your convictions.  Also: praying together does NOT mean you’re having “soul-sex.”

6) Know when to say no.  Dudes: no always means no, even when it’s not spoken out loud.

7) Dudes and ladies: you will not be alone forever.  Loneliness sucks, I know.  But God has handcrafted someone who is imperfectly perfect for you: so what you need to do is grow yourself first.

8) If you read any Christian books on dating and marriage, use heavy discernment.  By far the best books I’ve read on the subject are The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller and Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

9) Purity is important, but it’s not everything: and no one is really pure anyway.  It’s something Jesus gives us, not really something we can fight for.  If you fight for it, you will constantly define yourself on this one parameter and either become prideful or devastated. 

10) Dating will look different for everyone.  There’s no “checklist” — because if there were, we instantly become Pharisees who ease our conscience with a mechanical set of rules. 

11) Dating shouldn’t be the focal point of anything we do anyway.  Pursue hard after Jesus; you will find someone running alongside you.

On friendship - Proverbs 17:17, 17:9, 18:24, 27:5-6, 27:17, Romans 12:15

On marriage - 1 Peter 3:1-7, 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5:22-33

Question: 10 Thoughts About God and Homosexuality

Anonymous asked:

What’s your opinion on gay people? I believe in God. Everyone says that homosexuality is wrong and it says so in the Bible, but they’re people too, and I think God loves them. I don’t think someone chooses to be gay, and I don’t think gays are going to “burn in hell” as some people say. I just wanted to know what you think..? I just need a real answer from someone.

Thank you for this question.  You know: I had written this overly long, detailed, theological blog post in reply, but I’m going to forgo all that to offer a few thoughts to reflect on.  Do as you will with them.

1) God loves you, end of story.  If you say, “God loves you, BUT —” then we’re not talking about God, the Gospel, or grace. 

2) It is not your job to convert someone to anything, ever.  Don’t even.  God never says, “Change first.”  God loves first.

3) Your sexual identity is NOT the only thing about you. So that secular news anchor or that angry preacher-man who keeps bringing up this issue are both being narrow-minded sensationalists.  And let’s stop using the words “bigot” or “liberal” or “homophobia” if you don’t understand the subtlety of rational conversation and the nuances of human thought.

4) I want to apologize on behalf of morons like Fred Phelps, the Westboro gang, preachers who tough-talk the pulpit to “stand up for what’s right,” and for the entire modern church that has diminished the humanity of real living breathing human beings who have homosexual feelings.

5) The church likes to stand on what we’re against instead of what we’re for. You can tell me what I’m doing wrong all day, but unless you show me something else: then we’re still at square one, ground zero.

6) When I’ve talked with gay friends, I’ve realized the church has never offered another option besides, “Stop it.”  And even when we try to hold up traditional marriage as the bastion of righteousness, most Christian marriages are so screwed up that we’ve revoked our own right to speak.

7) When Apostle Paul wrote about marriage, I bet he was thinking that Christians would show the best marriages ever — because up to this point, women were treated as cattle and men were given free reign with no rules. 

Paul called for a revolutionary love-based marriage: for husbands to give their lives for their wives like Jesus and for wives to serve their husbands like Jesus.  But the church has fragmented this beyond comprehension.

8) I wish I could share the awesome joy of Christian marriage with the whole world and to be able to say, “See how cool this can be?” — but that’s a failed dream now.  It’s no wonder that more and more people are not seeing “traditional marriage” as an option: because it’s not looking that much different than the ruined home they grew up in.

9) This is a global issue — because before the church can really present their case, they need to freaking have one first.  No, we’re not called to be perfect, but I think saying “I’m not perfect” becomes an excuse to be lukewarm.  No one wants perfection: they just want real.  That starts with you and me, dear Christians.

10) One day, your homosexual friend might come around to the beauty of a biblical marriage between one man and one woman.  One day, your friend might understand that you respect him or her no matter what.  One day, your friend might look at your marriage and want something like that, if there is something worth showing (oh church, if you’d only see yourselves).  One day, your friend might be hit with the true heart of the Gospel and experience the total grace of Jesus — one day.

But whether or not that happens, you keep loving on your friend.  Damn it, you better love this world like crazy.  No one is a project.  You are not “superior” to them.  You are not the harbinger of justice or Advice-Robot 2000 or the fixer of all things wrong.  You are one flawed human being who is called to love another flawed human being.  You love them.  Jesus died for you and for them too.

Four Simple Ways To Prepare For Married Life

Though I am yet unmarried, there are a few things I’ve been doing to get ready.  They’re simple, effective, and build the maturity that we all need.

1) Ask to babysit children of married couples at your church or in your neighborhood.

Not only do you get to spend time with kids, but you’ll also see a little glimpse of how a married couple handles their schedule, their home, and their children.  Unless you really need it, don’t ask for money: do it as a favor so the parents can have a date night.  They will be grateful forever.

2) Have lunch or dinner with spiritually mature families and observe.

I don’t mean to observe in a creepy way: of course you want to build friendships and memories.  But pick up some hints about how parents practice discipline, encouragement, and order in the home.  Most parents will put on an impression for the first hour or so, but once they’re comfortable you’ll start to see how it really is. Ask questions, discern what’s right, and take mental notes.

3) Spend time with really old people.

People of a former generation have a retrospective view on life that considers the mistakes they have made in light of the few days they have left.  You can’t fake that wistful sort of wisdom.  And as much as you don’t want to hear an old guy rambling, there is an urgency to their voice that wakes you up into a renewed perspective.  A lot of things which look silly are silly, and older people will boil down marriage to basics: forgive, serve, cherish, appreciate, rejoice, love.  It’ll knock you back down to earth in a hurry.

4) Spend time with your pastor and his wife.

While many pastors totally do NOT get the married life or how to treat a woman, some do.  Married pastors are in the unique position of maneuvering through an entire family of people while cooperating with his wife and kids to serve them — and if your pastor has done this for a while, he has learned extreme patience and perseverance.  His wife has trained him up.  They are worth observing simply for their sheer endurance and their servant hearts.

Question: Christians Get Married or Stay Single?

Anonymous asked:

Hello! Do Christians HAVE to get married. I tend to find joy in being single and i do not have the desire to get married. As long as I am seeking him it should be fine. What is your view on this?

A Christian doesn’t have to do anything. 

Let me clarify: Being a Christian does not mean you have to vote Republican, be anti-liberal, picket abortion, avoid rated-R movies, read all the latest Christian bestsellers, listen only to CCM, subscribe to Reformed Calvinism (oh God help us), and plaster Scripture all over your office.

What’s important is how God leads you, and obeying that call. 

God’s Word is non-negotiable when it comes to Who He Is, and He unwaveringly commands us to love Him and love people.  I’ve said before that a command is how we work, because God made us and He knows what’s best.  It’s an eternal vision, His design for our best and His glory. 

But given that overarching command, look around and you’ll see a wide diversity of people who have different desires, unique personalities, and various struggles. God knows that, and He has made a huge gracious wiggle room to accommodate for our gifts, talents, preferences, and individual wiring.

Notice Apostle Paul’s carefully crafted writing in 1 Corinthians 7 about marriage (just more evidence it’s all Spirit-breathed). You get a sense that he’s using the picture of marriage to make a larger point.  In verse 7 he goes for it, saying: “I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.”  In other words, it’s cool if people are single like Paul, but it’s up for grabs.  Paul is giving a balanced teaching: that there are pros and cons to both.

Marry if you’re called to marry; stay single and serve hard if you ain’t.  Being single for life or for a long period is dang tough, but not impossible.  And it will still be an absolutely fulfilled life.

I know unfortunately that the modern church makes a really big deal about getting married, and single people (especially pastors) get a bad rap as if they’re incomplete beings.  So I understand the pressure.

But when a Christian is adopted into the body of believers, they have an entirely new family.  A single person can relate to older believers as children, to peers as siblings, and to younger people as parents.  In fact, a single person has the advantage of being friends with both genders, whereas for married people, being friends with the opposite sex is removed from the equation.  In this way, both singles and married people have effective ministries in different areas that do not overlap.  Singles also make the best candidates for short-term and long-term missions.

Having said that: my friend, just be ready.  I’ve heard tons of dudes and ladies say, “I’m never getting married,” whether it’s out of low self-worth, a superiority complex, a hurt past, or non-desire — but then God comes along and drops a nuke on that whole thing. 

God could send someone who will make your head turn so fast that it falls off.  Usually the ones who never want to marry get married first.  Maybe that sounds like a cliche: but God, believe it or not, has a sense of humor for the stubborn.  It’s enough to point up at the sky and say, All right God, that was a really good one.  If God calls, be willing.  You’ll thank me later on that.

Question: Friendshifts, Marriage, and Suicide

Anonymous asked:

May I ask for some advice? I have this friendship that is falling apart. We use to be close. He was there for me when I was ill and had no one else. But then my marriage change our friendship. Ever since things have been different. However, lately he’s been depressed and speaking of suicide. I want to help him and be there for him. But his cynical + sarcastic attitude hurts me. All we do is argue now. I just want to fix our friendship and I want to help him. I don’t know what to do anymore. :,(

First please allow me to point to Unka Glen’s podcast Say That, Episode 30, which discusses a little bit about how to deal with this sort of dilemma in friendship, particularly when it comes to marriage.  These dudes say it way better than I could.

I know this part sucks: when a friendship changes because of a transitioning season.  Most people don’t know how to move along smoothly, and even if you’re totally prepared, it’s still painful. 

You’re married now, which means everything changes, including how you relate to others.  It will mostly make a distance between the opposite sex (a good thing), and close friends who say “I thought you had my back” need to realize it’s not tenth grade anymore where you can just drop things and rush over. That whole season is behind you.

Your first priority for the rest of your life now, after God, is your spouse.  Especially when you have kids, your single friends need to know you’re not as accessible because you have kids, as in you are raising other human lifeforms that need your full attention lest they die.  Anyone who tries to step in on this needs to know it is NOT okay.

All that to say, as much as you want to help your hurting friend, you still need to set reasonable boundaries or even pass off your friend to someone who can be a better help, like a counselor or small group or bigger church community.  There is zero-guilt in doing so.  Of course you love your friend: but that’s exactly why you’re doing this, because you love him enough to realize you can no longer be a 24-hour revolving door. 

Everyone needs to recognize this. All your friends need to know: if they so much as glance wrong at your marriage or attempt to invade it by “upping” their ranking in your life, they are going to be dropped like yesterday.  You don’t need extra drama.  You’re grown now.

This is not the same as giving up on your friend.  After all, was he really going to depend on you the rest of his life?  And I get the sense that if he is being cynical and sarcastic and snappy, it’s possible you’re being used as a punching bag anyway.  This is only enabling his attitude because he thinks I can get away with it.  A friendship can get to the point where the arguing becomes the “friendship,” which means someone is using the other for emotional drama (yes, people do this all the time).  Cut that right at the root.

So again, boundaries.  Don’t let him get past those lines with excuses or more arguing.  Set the hammer down: there is no indirect way to do that.  I know you’ll want to be super-polite, but that only delays the truth.  A gentle firm way could be, You got to know I love you, which is why I’m going to say: I can’t be your lifesaver.  I am married now so please respect that this is a huge change that requires ALL of me to grow into, and if you’re my friend, I know you want me to be happy.  My spouse is my first priority, and there’s no way around that, ever.  But even if I wasn’t married now, I know you can’t possibly want me to be guilty or hurt, and that’s how you’re making me feel.  You really need help that I wish I could give you, but obviously we are not helping each other at all.  I’m here for you as long as you understand all this, so respect me like a grown-up and please get the full help you need.

I know this sounds harsh (it’s actually not), and I’m sorry that he’s depressed, but this does NOT mean he gets to steal you away from yourself.  It does not mean he gets to treat you like toilet paper.  If he’s suicidal, there is a time to help for that, but this also means he needs help that could be a little over our heads. It’s really okay to recommend him to or bring him elsewhere. 

As hard as it sounds, if he doesn’t respect you, drop him like it’s hot.  He needs to know you’re serious, that you’re not playing around, that you are willing to shut the door forever.  Be encouraging, be there for him when you can, but also be willing to say it how it really is and point him to other sources of help that he really, really needs.  If he’s going to be mature about it, he will listen.